A Virtuous Masquerade
by Cheshire6845
Summary: Voyager is home and Janeway has a new man in her life, but is Starfleet's latest power couple as picture perfect as they seem?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Star Trek and all of its characters are obviously not mine. I simply enjoying writing for them and seek absolutely no monetary gain from this.

**Notes:** Fear not weary readers, this is a finished story that I plan to update daily until it is all posted. It will not go uncompleted (barring world/internet disasters that I have no control over) And this one is definitely for QS!

**Warning:** Nothing too explicit in this but we will be following some adult themes.

**A Virtuous Masquerade by Cheshire**

**Ch. 1**

***Two months after Endgame***

"So when do I get to officially meet this guy?" B'Elanna asked.

"Don't know," Kathryn grunted and backhanded the tennis ball, angling it towards a corner, "...what you're talking about."

"Oh, I see," B'Elanna smirked, easily handling the back-serve, "so I guess that guy whose arm you've been hanging on in all the latest holovids is a total stranger."

"Guess so." Kathryn smacked the ball off the top side of her racket.

B'Elanna smiled at the weak return and pummeled the ball back towards her former captain. "Cause he looks a lot like Victor Monaster."

Kathryn missed the ball completely at the name. Frowning in its direction, she put her hands on her hips and blew hair out of her face. "When did you get so good at tennis?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I didn't know that I was." Kathryn replied, walking slowly towards the ball.

"Come on, Kathryn," B'Elanna said, exasperated. "The Mondalay battle was one of the worst ones of the entire Dominion war. The _hero _of that battle, one Victor Monaster, is kind of hard to miss."

Kathryn's shoulders slumped slightly when she turned to face her friend. "You know how many times I've heard that about us since we've returned. How we're some sort of heroes?"

The half Klingon scoffed. "You, maybe…the rest of us were just trying to hold on for the ride."

"I'm no hero, B'Elanna. I was just doing my job and trying to take care of my people. The same thing goes for Victor." She bounced the ball a single time against the court.

B'Elanna grinned and saw the perfect opening to turn the conversation away from the maudlin direction it was taking. "So, you _do_ know Victor?"

The signature half smirk tugged at the corner of Kathryn's mouth. She tossed the ball at her friend. "Game point to you, B'Elanna."

"Good." She caught the ball easily. "Now," she said, practically gleeful, "spill."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "We're dating."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Kahless, you are impossible!" B'Elanna's eyes narrowed. "How long has this been going on?" she asked before sucking in a sharp breath. "Does Chakotay know?"

Kathryn laughed. "Yes, Chakotay knows."

B'Elanna's jaw dropped. "And?!"

"And…nothing. We're adults and we're friends." Kathryn shrugged. "He said he was happy for me."

B'Elanna made a noise low in her throat and received a raised eyebrow in return. She blushed a little. "It's just we always thought…you know…that the two of you would get together."

Janeway continued to stare at her.

"Eventually," she frowned, twirling her racket in her hand. "You know...one day."

"Maybe we will," Kathryn allowed then smiled mischievously. "Chakotay had his chance at the blondes, now it's my turn."

Torres laughed out loud. "Serves him right! What the hell was that thing he had with Seven anyway?"

"Don't get me started," Kathryn muttered. "Let's just be thankful it's over."

B'Elanna nodded agreeably. "So you and Victor aren't serious?"

"I just got back from seven years of exile, Lanna. Do you really think I should marry the first guy I date?"

"No, not necessarily," B'Elanna said, packing up her gear. "But I do think you should sleep with him."

Kathryn threw her towel over her shoulder as they walked off the court. "What makes you think I haven't?"

* * *

It's short I know...but they'll get longer as we get going. Thank you sooo very much QS for giving me not just the idea but for lending yet again your superb beta skills as well!!


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning are all on chapter 1. Thanks for tuning in! _

**Ch. 2**

B'Elanna rested her head back against the semi cool wall of the sauna, thinking about the game of velocity she and Kathryn had just finished playing. Her former captain had trounced her. "You really didn't like it a few weeks ago when I beat you at tennis, did you?"

A smile crept across Kathryn's face but she remained quiet.

"You practiced velocity a lot these past couple of weeks, haven't you?"

"Mmmm…" Kathryn didn't even bother opening her eyes. "Maybe a little."

"Uh huh." Stretching her legs out on the bench she occupied, B'Elanna eyed her friend. While she could barely stand to keep the single towel wrapped around her body, Kathryn was swaddled in the big fluffy material with one piled on top of her head, one draped over her shoulders and arms, and one wrapped around her body. "Aren't you hot?"

Kathryn cracked open one eye, frowning. "That's kind of the point, B'Elanna."

"Right. Sweating." She shook her head. "You know that time the cheese infected the entire ship, I don't recall you enjoying sweating this much then."

Janeway rolled her shoulders a bit, settling further down on her corner of the adjacent bench. "That was different. That was stressful. This is _relaxing_."

"Relaxing," B'Elanna grumbled, "I feel like I'm stuck on Vulcan. Cause that's such a renowned pleasure planet. Or maybe that hell planet where we could only venture out in the exosuits."

"B'Elanna…shut up."

Torres stayed quiet for a few minutes, trying to feel as relaxed as Kathryn looked, but the engineer in her couldn't stay inactive for very long. She stared at the panel near the door, theorizing how she could alter the steam. Maybe she could enrich the process so there'd be vitamin intake or something. She almost snorted when she thought of putting an aphrodisiac in the mist that filled the room. She'd been spending way too much time with Tom. She smiled at the thought that he'd be coming home tomorrow after having a three day trip showing off the Delta Flyer to several nearby planetary governments. Thinking of Tom sparked an idea in her mind, and she eyed the very serene and peaceful looking Janeway.

"So." Kathryn jumped slightly at B'Elanna's abrupt return to conversation, and it delighted B'Elanna far more than it should have. She really was bored. "I hear Chakotay is coming back to Earth next week."

"Really?"

Kathryn seemed to strangle a bit on the word and B'Elanna knew her delight at Kathryn's small bit of insecurity would surely send her straight to Grethor, but she couldn't help herself. "Yep. That's what I hear." She tried to effect an innocent tone. "You didn't know?"

"No," Kathryn said, needlessly adjusting the towel that was draped over her shoulders. "I hadn't heard."

B'Elanna clucked her tongue, enjoying herself. "Maybe he thinks you and Victor broke up."

Kathryn sat up, the towel on her head slipping backwards, and B'Elanna swallowed her smile with some difficulty. "Why would he think that?"

Suddenly B'Elanna wasn't feeling so amused. "Uh…maybe because of the way you gave your boyfriend the cold shoulder at that banquet you attended Friday night."

"But Chakotay wasn't there."

"It was a Starfleet banquet, Kathryn. Everybody's talking about how Starfleet is about to lose their best PR piece since Picard and Crusher got married."

Kathryn dropped her head back against the wall, muttering, "So that's what he was talking about. I had no idea."

B'Elanna frowned. "So, wait, you and Victor are still together?"

"What? Yes," Kathryn replied. "The banquet was nothing. We'd just had a disagreement on the ride over…but we left together. Didn't anyone pay any attention to that?"

B'Elanna scoffed. "Being on the receiving end of a 'Janeway cold shoulder' is not something one recovers from quickly. The two of you may have left together, but the icicles were still clearly visible."

"Damn," Kathryn muttered. "And this is why Chakotay is coming home?"

B'Elanna backpedaled. "I can't say for sure. I didn't actually talk to him…directly."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed, realizing that the half Klingon had just been needling her. "You've been spending too much time with Tom."

"Guilty." B'Elanna barely dodged the towel that got thrown in her face as Janeway left the sauna.

* * *

B'Elanna came around the corner of lockers to find that she had soniced and dressed faster than Kathryn, who was barely pulling on the solid red tank top that she wore under her command uniform. "So you and Victor…?"

"What?" Kathryn turned to face her, tucking in the tail of the tank as she did so.

B'Elanna started to ask for clarification, whether or not Kathryn was in fact still seeing Victor, but stopped when she noticed a bruise on Kathryn's upper arm. It was strange enough to see a bruise when B'Elanna knew full well that she had not been the only member of the senior staff to smuggle a dermal regenerator out of sickbay, but the dark coloring of it caught her attention as well. "Kathryn, what did you do to your arm?"

Janeway looked down at her arm, shrugging dismissively and turned back towards the locker door. "Oh, it's nothing."

"The hell it isn't," B'Elanna said, reaching out and turning Kathryn back towards her so she could examine the bruise more closely. It was wider than she'd first realized and wrapped almost entirely around Kathryn's bicep. She sucked in a sharp breath when she realized it wasn't one large bruise but five distinct bruises with small patches of unmottled skin between them. "Kathryn…these look like…finger marks."

B'Elanna looked up from her examination to find Janeway looking right at her. Her normally expressive blue eyes were flat and emotionless and B'Elanna realized Kathryn had her command mask firmly in place. "That's exactly what they are B'Elanna."

The engineer didn't know what she found more unsettling, the frank emotionless admission that she hadn't been expecting or the idea that someone had indeed done this to her friend. She floundered, "What…who…" Her mind raced. Kathryn hadn't been on any missions lately. Nothing that would have led to her being mistreated, and then B'Elanna thought about the conversation they'd just had. Kathryn had said that she and Victor had argued. "Did Victor do this to you?"

"B'Elanna, calm down and lower your voice." There was enough authoritative edge in Janeway's voice that she immediately held B'Elanna's attention. Lowering her own voice, Kathryn said more softly, "It's not what you think."

"Then what the hell is it?" B'Elanna hissed, her voice a harsh whisper even as she glanced around the deserted locker room.

Janeway looked distinctly uncomfortable – and not in the way B'Elanna had found amusing earlier. "I…I've been having…nightmares, lately."

"Nightmares?" B'Elanna repeated not following what that admission had to do with the bruise on her arm. "About what?"

Kathryn looked a little exasperated. "Can't you think of one or two things from the Delta Quadrant that might be worth a missed night's sleep? The Borg Queen whispering in your mind, perhaps?"

B'Elanna gave her a quick nod of understanding. That was actually one scenario she had absolutely no problem imagining. Unfortunately. "But what does that have to do–"

"Sometimes," Kathryn spoke over her, "lately, I can't seem to bring myself out of the nightmares. Last night was unfortunately one of those times." She paused, and B'Elanna gestured impatiently for her to continue. "Victor had to shake me to bring me out of it. He was scared and squeezed my arm harder than he needed to." She finished explaining but B'Elanna was still staring incredulously at her. "That's all."

B'Elanna blinked. "That's _all_?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Kahless." B'Elanna slumped down on the bench that ran between the lockers. Kathryn took the opportunity to slip the turtleneck on, covering up the object of conversation. B'Elanna looked up at her. "Well, why didn't you use a dermal regenerator over it?"

"It didn't look that bad this morning." Kathryn shrugged, taking a seat next to her on the bench.

B'Elanna frowned at her, studying her expression. She swore again and stood up, pacing. Stopping in front of her, she glared again at Kathryn. "Why are you still having nightmares?"

A short laugh escaped Kathryn before she noted B'Elanna's still serious gaze. She shrugged again. "I'm told these things take time."

The engineer's eyes narrowed. "Did you go to the counseling like you were supposed to?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered, but at B'Elanna's continued glare she amended, "I tried. That counselor they sent me to didn't have any idea what he was talking about. He'd never been in deep space a day in his life, much less been in command. How was he going to possibly help me with my…feelings?"

"Feelings?" B'Elanna asked, raising an eyebrow.

Now it was Janeway's turn to get to her feet. "Yes, _feelings_. How did I _feel_ when I made the decision to strand us in the Delta Quadrant? How did I _feel_ when I lost control of the ship to the Kazon? How did I _feel_ when we miraculously survived another battle? How did I _feel_ when I lost a crewman?" B'Elanna waited silently, and Janeway shook her head. "That counselor had no idea how I felt, so no, I didn't stay. I chose not to give him a voyeur's glimpse of what I…what _we_ went through out there." She took a steadying breath. "And Victor said it was the same for him. Counselors wanting him to tell them all about how it _feels _to be in command during a hopeless battle. How does it _feel_ to make life and death decisions for hundreds of people? You can't just explain…"

Kathryn's voice trailed off in frustration and the two women were left facing each other. After a moment, B'Elanna shook her head slowly. "We need to find you a new counselor."

"No."

"Kathryn, you need to talk to someone about this."

"I do. I talk to Victor about it."

"Someone trained."

Kathryn pointed at the door leading out of the locker room. "They don't _know_, B'Elanna. They don't know what it's like out there. What it's like to be responsible for the lives of the people under you. To be responsible when those people die. They don't know what it's like to have given the order that led people to their death." She took a steadying breath in. "Victor does. And so do I. We…talk to each other about it. About what it's like. What it was like. We're helping each other, but it's just something that's going to take time."

B'Elanna sat back down on the bench, her arms folded tightly across her chest. "I still don't like it."

Kathryn reached into the locker, pulling out her uniform jacket so she could finish dressing. "To tell you the truth, it's not much fun for me either."

B'Elanna half watched as Kathryn did up the fastenings on the jacket. "So you guys are a little more serious than last time we chatted?"

"We're getting there," Kathryn said, noncommittally.

B'Elanna racked her brain for information about this guy who was now apparently more than a passing fling. "Where did you say the two of you met?"

Kathryn affixed the rank bar to her uniform, grabbed her bag, and closed the locker door. "At the counselor's office."


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimers, notes, and warning are all on chapter 1. (remember those adult themes we talked about)_

**Ch. 2 continued**

* * *

Kathryn watched silently as B'Elanna walked away, moving towards the transport station that would take her home. She should go home, too. It was past time for her to be off duty, but she turned instead towards the Starfleet buildings that housed her office. Her mind was racing, and she was desperately trying to get her thoughts into some coherent order, but they all just kept circling back around to one single question.

Why had she lied to B'Elanna?

In truth, she wasn't the one having nightmares. Victor was. Not that she didn't have the occasional bad dream or sleepless night, but that was nothing new. She'd had mild insomnia since before her father had died. And nightmares…well those were generally something she could live with. So why had the lie rolled off her tongue so easily? Why hadn't she simply told B'Elanna the truth?

She distractedly punched in the code for her office door, dropping her gym bag near the couch and heading for the replicator. She needed a cup of coffee and, apparently, a dermal regenerator. That was another thing. She'd lied about that, as well. Despite his being asleep at the time, Victor's grip had been hard enough on her arm that she'd known a bruise was inevitable, but she hadn't used a dermal regenerator on it because Victor didn't have one stashed away like she did. And she'd been at his house. Just like she'd been every night for the past month. And yet, she hadn't wanted B'Elanna to know that, either.

Kathryn cursed inwardly. The entire conversation that she'd had with B'Elanna was a minefield of half truths and lies. And since when was Kathryn Janeway a liar? In fact, she hated lying, but Victor had been so good to her that she just didn't want to tell anyone, including B'Elanna, that he was having problems. The Dominion war had been as hard on him as the Delta Quadrant had been on her, and there were just some things Starfleet Command didn't want to know. They acted like they did, but really they just wanted their heroes to look good. Shaking her head, she sipped her coffee and stared out at the foggy San Francisco bay. Her computer monitor chirped several times as it received messages, but she ignored them. It was after hours, and none of the chirps signaled as high priority.

Only later, when the coffee was long gone, did she realize she'd been sitting for more than an hour. The lights in the bay were already beginning to twinkle in the evening light. Stretching out muscles that had tightened while she had been silently musing, Kathryn got to her feet so she could recycle her now-empty mug. Glancing at the chronometer on the wall, she saw it was slightly past eight. She smiled to herself; Victor got off duty at eight.

* * *

Kathryn fell backwards onto the rumpled bed, desperately trying to catch her breath. A sheen of sweat stood out on her skin, and her muscles quivered from exertion. She was pretty sure that once everything stopped tingling, she'd be able to sleep for a week. Feeling the bed sink next to her, she turned her head to see Victor grinning lazily at her. The man certainly had stamina.

Reaching out a slightly trembling hand, she pushed his normally wavy hair off of his damp forehead. "You really are going to be the death of me."

Her voice was even huskier than usual, causing his grin to widen. He kissed the palm of her hand before grabbing her around the wrist and trapping it against his chest, pulling her towards him and rolling until he was on his back and she was sprawled on top of him. "You must have worked out today."

Tugging her hands from his and pushing herself up slightly so she could see him, she asked, "What makes you say that?"

His hands moved to her back, lightly kneading at her muscles. "You seemed to be having a hard time keeping up tonight."

"What?" She gasped as his fingers inadvertently hit a sore spot at the base of her spine. Damn Borg spinal clamps. "I don't seem to recall you complaining at any point during the activities."

"Well, of course not," he drawled, splaying his hand lower. "It wouldn't have been very gentlemanly of me to point out an obvious weakness."

"Weakness?" She leaned forward until her face was over his. "What weakness do you incorrectly think you spotted?"

He gave her a quick grin before grabbing her by the hips and rolling them both, trapping her beneath him. "You were a little slow to react tonight," he grinned, giving her a quick kiss and catching her wrists with one hand, trapping them above her head. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Kathryn struggled against his grip, grumbling, "Maybe you just weren't hitting the right spots."

"Oh, really? Is that a fact?" he challenged, eying her hungrily. Too late, Kathryn realized that, unlike her, he still had a free hand. A hand which had already begun to make lazy circles across her chest and was now traveling lower.

"Victor," she growled even as her hips bucked slightly towards his touch.

"It's okay, Kathryn; you can admit it you know," he said, his mouth following the southward path his hand was making.

"Admit what?" She gasped when he blew cool air across her fevered skin. Her hands clutched at the bed sheets, and she wasn't entirely sure when Victor had released his hold on them.

His thumb flicked over her most sensitive spot, noting the small tremor that had her closing her eyes against the sensation. He positioned himself lower before delivering the line that he knew she wouldn't let pass. "Just admit that you can't keep up with me."

Her eyes flew open and locked with his, noting exactly where he was. Oh, she was going to regret this in the morning. She set her chin. "Never."

He gave her a devastating smile before lowering his head and sending her spiraling into oblivion.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

_And for all ye faithful readers...yes, Chakotay has a good role yet to play in this story. And this one is short so internet permitting I'll post again later today. _

**Ch. 3**

Kathryn shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Starfleet receptions always had the most uncomfortable chairs imaginable. Why they couldn't arrange to have a little more cushioning on them was a subject she'd considered more times than she'd like to admit to. It seemed that every one of these receptions or banquets that she and Victor had been required to attend always included some long-winded speaker that felt it was necessary to once again expound upon the many virtues and positive things Starfleet had to offer other cultures. Kathryn always found it redundant, since the majority of the crowds were either Starfleet officers or aliens that were actively trying to join Starfleet. Obviously, both groups were already aware of the perks.

She uncrossed and then crossed her legs again under the table, once again shifting her weight slightly in an effort to be more comfortable. In all fairness, her comfort level was not entirely the chair's fault. Last night had been a good night. A _really_ good night. Thoughts of it had really been the main reason she'd been able to keep a smile plastered on her face as she'd once again shaken hands and greeted more dignitaries than she'd ever cared to acknowledge. The procession line alone had taken more than an hour for her and Victor to navigate. _Everyone_ wanted their picture taken with the hero of Mondalay and the darling of the Delta Quadrant.

She took a sip of wine. God, how she hated those names. But recruitment into Starfleet was thriving, and the Federation continued to add new members every month. A fact which she and Victor were both continuously told was due largely in part to them and their appearances. They both scoffed at the idea, but once again, here they were having holoimages snapped of them and receiving platitudes about their great deeds. Kathryn leaned back away from the table and felt Victor's arm stiffen on the back of her chair. She glanced up at him and noticed the hard set of his jaw and the tight grip he maintained on his drink.

"Hey," she said softly, nudging him lightly, "you doing okay?"

He gave her a curt nod and finished off the last of his drink. "I'm fine." When she didn't respond to his comment, he tore his gaze away from the crowd to find her looking at him expectantly. "What?"

"Do you know how many times I've said that line over the past several years? And not once was I being completely honest."

He grumbled and shifted his focus back to scanning the crowd. "You know I don't like these things."

"I know," she agreed, "you enjoy them about as much as I do."

"Less. At least you have something worth talking about to these people." Kathryn was about to protest, but before she could, he rose from his chair, giving her a quick kiss on top of her head. "I'm going to get a refill. Would you like anything?"

She didn't really have a chance to answer him before he was gone, headed for the bar. Kathryn watched him go and knew he'd be back with another wine for her and something stronger for himself. A dignitary of some sort sat down in Victor's now-vacant chair and introduced himself, dragging Kathryn away from her more morose thoughts. She fixed her smile back in place and chatted amicably with the overly jolly alien, but her attention continually flicked towards the bar.

Even from a distance she could see the tense set of Victor's broad shoulders, but she could also see that he, too, had been hit up for conversation. His white teeth flashed as he spoke to the semi-circle of officers that had formed around him. They all laughed in a jocular fashion at something he said before raising their glasses in a toast. Reciprocating the toast, he caught Kathryn watching him. He gave her a wink before slamming back the contents of the drink.

Kathryn felt a flutter in her stomach. Tonight would _not_ be a good night.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found on chapter 1. _

**Ch. 4**

Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. It had been a long day full of tedious meetings, and the mild headache she'd had all day was now morphing into a full blown migraine. She'd only slept a couple of hours before waking up earlier than usual so she could beam over to her own home. She wasn't what she considered a high maintenance kind of girl, but she did require a mirror of some sort to put herself together in the mornings. There was nothing left of Victor's bathroom mirror except for jagged shards, and she really hadn't felt like slicing open her hand while applying her lipstick this morning.

And the less said about how the mirror had come to be shattered, the better.

Except that she really couldn't stop thinking about it. Last night had been nothing special. There'd been no banquets to attend or inane questions to answer repeatedly. No social pressures on either her or Victor. They'd both simply worked that day and gone home together afterwards. It had been a nice change, leaving headquarters together and walking to the transport hub side by side.

After the past few weeks with Victor's shift at headquarters ending a few hours before hers, she'd begun to miss the simple act of walking home with him. Not that it hadn't been nice to come home and find dinner waiting, but they'd fallen into a bit of a routine that she'd begun to grow weary of. Drinks, dinner, drinks, and then she usually ended up becoming dessert. After seven years of celibacy, she had sure made up for lost time in record speed since she'd been with Victor.

The man was insatiable. She really didn't know how he managed it. He was only two years younger than she was, and yet he had the libido of a twenty year old. Not that she'd ever had reason to complain. Quite the opposite, Victor had sometimes seemed more concerned about her enjoyment than she had been. And while she'd never considered herself prudish, he had certainly convinced her to try some things she'd never even fantasized about, and after seven years in the Delta quadrant…she'd fantasized about a _lot_.

But it hadn't been until last night that he'd actually scared her. No, not scared. Concerned. Troubled, perhaps. She'd noticed, of course, that he'd been rather quiet walking from the transport pad to the house, but she'd just chalked it up to him being tired. A part of her had actually been relieved, and she'd been looking forward to a hot bath and going to sleep early.

Unfortunately, that wasn't how the evening had turned out.

_Dinner was a subdued affair with Kathryn serving for a change and taking the opportunity to not include any alcohol with the meal. That was something she'd had way too much of lately. As soon as the dishes had been recycled, Victor said something about catching up on some work in his study and Kathryn was more than happy to head for the bathroom, happily planning which fragrant bath oil she would use. _

_Having picked out a pair of silky pajamas and returning a quick call from her mother, Kathryn had only been submerged in the hot water about fifteen minutes when the bathroom door opened. She was almost disappointed to see him, but he just took a seat on the edge of the tub, reaching for her nearest foot. She raised an eyebrow at him when he gently pulled her further into the water, but he stopped once her foot rested in his lap. His movements were slow and unhurried as his strong hands kneaded the ball of her foot and stroked her arch. As he paid the same slow attention to her other foot, Kathryn felt herself sliding closer and closer to the land of relaxed sleep. She barely stirred when she felt her foot slip back into the warm water, but when she heard the rustle of clothes she opened her eyes in time to see Victor unbuckling his pants. _

"_What're you doing?" _

"_What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked, letting his pants drop to the floor. "I'm joining you." _

_The sound of disappointment that slipped past her lips at the sight of his erection was entirely unintentional. It was also impossible to take back. _

"_What was that, Kathryn?" Victor asked, his voice hard._

"_I'm sorry, Victor. It's just…" she searched for something to say and found nothing but the truth. "I'm tired."_

"_You're tired," he repeated, nodding slightly. _

"_I'm sorry, but it's just..." she sighed, "it's been a long day."_

"_Do you think you're the only one that's had a long fucking day, Kathryn?" _

_Ten seconds ago, Kathryn had been so relaxed she could've fallen asleep in the tub, but at his snarling retort every muscle in her body tensed. She sat up in the tub. "No. I never said-"_

_Victor cut her off. "You want to know what I did today? I'll tell you. I gave a lecture to first year cadets on how they should establish a command persona so they don't become too attached to the people serving under them. I taught them it was best to maintain an emotional distance between themselves and others." He bent down, pulling his pants back up to his hips. "I'm guessing you excelled in that class when you went through the academy didn't you, Kathryn?"_

_She didn't like what he was insinuating. "What do you mean by that?"_

"_Please, Kathryn," he sneered, "that's the real reason you didn't get laid for all those years, you cut yourself off from everybody until you were a goddamn ice queen. A frigid bitch sitting on her throne-"_

"_How dare you?" Kathryn hissed, furious._

_"And things haven't changed much have they?" He snorted. "You still don't feel a god damned thing do you?"_

_She grabbed for a towel. "I am not having this conversation with you."_

"_But that's not entirely the truth, now is it, Kathryn?" Victor grabbed her by the arms when she tried to move past him. "After all, I'm sure you felt something when you put that hypospray up against Tuvok's neck, didn't you?"_

_She felt herself go cold at the memory of Tuvix's imploring eyes staring at her as she administered the hypospray that ultimately would make him cease to exist. She'd lamented about that particular page of her past to Victor just last week. At the time, he'd been very supportive of the decision she had made. She ground out a harsh whisper, "That wasn't Tuvok, and you know it."_

"_Close enough," Victor said, jerking her closer. "I mean, I know over the years you got plenty of your crew killed. But that one was different, that one penetrated the vaunted command persona, didn't it?" he asked cruelly. "How did it feel to murder an innocent life?"_

"_Why don't you tell me?" she spat, jerking free from his grip. "How did you feel when you killed your first officer because you thought he was a traitor?" _

_Victor's eyes darkened and Kathryn knew she was hitting below the belt, but the pain in her chest from his callous questions demanded she hit back. "Tell me, Victor, did they ever conclusively prove that he was a changeling?"_

In her office, Kathryn leaned back in her desk chair. Whoever it was that said 'you hurt the ones you love' really knew what they were talking about. The argument last night had escalated so rapidly that Kathryn had gone straight for the jugular. Victor had gone for the nearest thing he could throw, which just happened to be the glass jar containing her bath salts. Both the mirror and the jar had shattered upon impact and Victor had stormed out of the bathroom.

He'd come back several hours later and while neither of them had apologized for what they'd said, they were at least able to look each other in the eye and come to a silent understanding that it was not something they wanted to discuss. They'd simply gone to bed together and managed to get a few hours sleep before the alarm had woken Kathryn.

But now, here she sat, at her desk, having stayed at work much later than normal, under the pretense that she had reports to review. But it was already 2100 and she hadn't gotten through a single one of them. Taking a deep breath, she admitted to herself that she was delaying leaving.

Thirty minutes later, her computer chirped as it received a message. Warily, she activated the console so she could read it. It was a single line of text.

_Are you coming home tonight?_

Kathryn sighed and began clearing off her desk so she could leave.


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 5**

Seven frowned. She wasn't quite sure how to properly approach the next subject on her mind. Or if she even should, but she and the admiral were nearing the building where they would part ways. If she was going to bring up what was on her mind, now was the time.

"Admiral," she said abruptly cutting off Janeway in mid-sentence. A sentence Seven realized belatedly she had not been listening to.

Janeway looked mildly amused at the interruption. "Seven, I have asked you repeatedly to call me Kathryn when we are in social situations."

Seven gave a curt nod of acknowledgment. "Kathryn..." she began but then hesitated again.

Kathryn stopped walking and turned to address her protégé. "Just spit it out, Seven."

"Spit?" Seven immediately did a check of the inside of her mouth but found nothing out of the ordinary.

Janeway waved her off. "Never mind, Seven. It was a figure of speech. What's on your mind?"

Seven squared her shoulders. "If you are injured, you should see the doctor."

Kathryn stared at the Borg. "I beg your pardon?"

"Five different times over the course of our lunch you showed signs of discomfort indicating that you are experiencing some sort of pain," Seven stated. "The frequency with which these symptoms occurred indicates that you are in some way injured and are attempting to ignore it."

"I don't know what signs of discomfort you think you saw, Seven, but I'm not-"

"When you took a seat at the table for lunch your facial muscles constricted momentarily, and when you reached across the table to move the flower vase they did so again. Upon dropping your napkin, you hesitated before bending down to pick it up, but when you did your face was flushed and your pupils were slightly constricted. After that, when you signaled the waiter, you chose to use your left hand while keeping your right arm close to your side," Seven said and looked challengingly at her former captain. The Borg implant on her face arched upwards in assumed victory. "Even now, you are favoring your left side."

Kathryn blinked and then laughed, confusing Seven with her reaction. "All right Seven, I'll admit, you got me." She shook her finger in Seven's direction. "I should've known better than to think you wouldn't notice."

Feeling vindicated, Seven nodded. "Yes, you should have. You should report to medical and seek proper medical attention."

"It's nothing, Seven," Kathryn said as she started walking again towards her building.

"I believe Chakotay would disagree."

"Chakotay?" Kathryn stopped short. "What does he have to do with anything?"

"On _Voyager_, he was very conscientious of your injuries as well as your aversion to having them treated. As he is still off planet, it is one of my obligations to remind you to take care of yourself."

"Obligation?" Kathryn asked, receiving a cursory nod in reply. "You sound like you're following orders, Seven."

"No." Seven looked thoughtful. "It was more of a request."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "What kind of 'request'?"

"He simply asked that we keep an eye on you and ensure that you are taking care of yourself."

"_We_?" Kathryn repeated incredulously. "Who exactly is _we_?"

Seven frowned. "The senior staff members that still reside on Earth. Mike Ayala. Sam and Naomi Wildman. Icheb–"

Kathryn cut her off. "What did he do? Make a ship wide announcement before we left _Voyager_?"

"No. You would have heard that," Seven said, as if she were talking to Naomi and not a woman that had defeated the Borg. "He made the request upon leaving a social gathering at the Paris-Torres home four weeks ago. You were not in attendance."

Kathryn remembered that party. She'd avoided it by attending a conference on Caldus Prime. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to see Chakotay while he was in town, it was just that the injury Seven was now referring to had been only a couple of days old. There was no way she would have been able to deceive Chakotay into thinking that she was fine. Apparently, four weeks hadn't been enough to deceive Seven, and she didn't have a tenth of Chakotay's perceptiveness when it came to Kathryn.

Seven interrupted her thoughts. "You do not seem pleased that he had your best interests in mind."

Kathryn scoffed. "He'd better be glad he's in the Beta Quadrant, Seven. I don't need to be coddled."

"I do not believe that was his intent."

"Regardless of his intent, Seven, he'll be hearing from me in his next communication batch." Seven started to reply but Kathryn cut her off. "I have a meeting in ten minutes. Lunch was wonderful, Seven."

"I agree. I would like to do it again sometime," Seven said then added as an afterthought, "Will you be seeing the doctor?"

Kathryn waved off her question as she headed inside. "I'm fine."

* * *

Kathryn eased herself into her desk chair. Damn Chakotay and his overdeveloped sense of protection. Damn Seven and her Borg ocular superiority. Damn herself for not having better control. At least she'd gotten away from the conversation before she'd had to go into details about how she'd become injured. She was lucky it hadn't been B'Elanna or the EMH. Neither of them would have ever let her go at simply turning the topic of conversation. She hated lying to her friends, but she knew that even if she explained the truth of what had happened four weeks ago, they'd never understand.

_Kathryn walked into the darkened foyer and set her briefcase down in its usual spot. Immediately, she started toeing off her boots so she could slip on her comfortable slippers. Padding towards the kitchen, she unzipped her uniform jacket with one hand and massaged her temple with the other. The briefing she'd been called in to at the last minute had been rough. The casualties from the breakout of Denzenite flu were quickly reaching catastrophic numbers. A quarantine had already been set for the planet, and the USS Caduceus had been dispatched to render aid, but so far no one had been able to establish a cure. What was even more disturbing was that other planets in the area were beginning to show signs that the quarantine had not been__ established __in time to prevent the spread of the flu. Tomorrow's casualty list had the likelihood of multiplying three-fold. _

_And as if all that wasn't enough to cause Kathryn to worry, the latest dig site for Chakotay was only one planet removed from the latest sign__s of outbreak.__ Knowing him, as soon as he heard about it he'd probably catch the first available shuttle to offer help. _

_"You're late."_

_Kathryn almost jumped out of her skin. She'd been so lost in thought she hadn't even noticed Victor sitting in the darkened kitchen. Calling for lights, she frowned at him. "What are you doing just sitting here in the dark?"_

_He ignored the question. "So what was it this time?"_

_"I had to attend an emergency briefing session about the situation in the Denzon system," she said, busying herself with the coffee pot. The headache she had definitely called for more than the replicated stuff. _

_Victor quietly circled the dining bar. "You're lying to me."_

_"What?" Kathryn's head snapped up, irritated at his accusation. When she looked at his face, though, she saw how flat and emotionless his eyes were. "Victor?"_

_He closed the distance between them. "How long has it been going on? Since the beginning?"_

_Kathryn backed up. After all these months, she recognized his expression. He wasn't seeing her. "Victor, listen to me. You are on Earth. This is not the Cerberus." _

_"Shut up!" He knocked the coffee cup out of her hand, shattering it on the floor. "Everything you say is a lie."_

_Kathryn felt the edge of the counter hit the small of her back. She was quickly running out of room to maneuver. "Victor, listen to my voice. I'm Kathryn. Whatever it is you think you're seeing...it's not real."_

_He didn't acknowledge her. "What about those five officers that are dead because of you? You think it was real to them?"_

_Victor's fist lashed out, and Kathryn ducked, hearing a crunch when his fist hit the wall behind her. She darted past him. He turned in time to lunge at her, his momentum carrying them both forward. Off balance, Kathryn fell against the bar at a bad angle with Victor falling against her. She heard another crunch and this time felt a nauseating wave of pain wash over her and she knew she'd broken something. Taking advantage of Kathryn's pained daze,__Victor spun her around and pushed her back against the bar, easily pinning her arms behind her with one of his hands._

_"No one else, Cammus!" he thundered, the smell of liquor on his breath washing over her. "No one else is going to die because of you." His free hand wrapped around her throat, spit hitting her in the face as he hissed, "Die, you traitor." _

_Shaking off her stupor, Kathryn slammed her knee upwards into his groin as hard as she could. Victor dropped to the floor, curling into a ball of pain. Her eyes watered at the growing pain in her side, and she clutched at it reflexively, but she needed to put some distance between herself and him. Using the counter for support, she began moving away from where Victor was still curled on the floor._

_But he recovered faster than she expected, and his hand reached out, trapping her ankles and pulling her to the floor. She fell hard, and pain exploded through her rib cage, darkening the corners of her vision. She barely managed to roll to her side before his hands were on her again, already near her waist as he pulled himself up her body. Kathryn scrambled, reaching for the legs of the bar stool but only managing to push it further away. And then she was on her back with Victor looming over her. Instinctively, she went straight for his eyes, but he slapped her hands away. The heels of her feet slipped and slid on the floor as she tried to get leverage, but Victor's hands were around her throat again. _

_His voice was a hiss. "No one else."_

_Kathryn clawed at his hands, feeling blood pool under her fingernails, but it had no effect. Her lungs were burning, and the black edges on her vision were closing in again. Striking at his elbow and buckling it, she managed to gasp in a breath at the momentary slip. "Vic...you're hurt...Kathryn..."_

_The pressure around her neck disappeared, and she immediately started coughing as her lungs tried to process the oxygen she so desperately needed. Pain in her head and chest exploded with each cough, and she curled in on herself in an attempt to minimize the effort her body was going through. _

_After several wrenching minutes, the coughing finally subsided and Kathryn resisted the urge to take deep breaths. The pain in her ribs was too acute for that. She started to push herself up from the floor only to have her hand slip in the spilled coffee. Swearing, she planted her hand again more carefully and pushed herself up to a sitting position._

_She was alone. _

_Gritting her teeth, Kathryn managed to pull herself to her feet. There was blood on the counter top, and she reached a trembling hand to her head, grimacing at the movement. Finding only coffee-soaked hair, she knew the blood belonged to Victor. _

_Rubbing ruefully at her neck, she moved slowly out of the kitchen. Hating herself for doing it, she grabbed the phaser that was concealed near the kitchen door. __If Victor was still delusional, she was in no shape to go another round with him. Hearing an odd noise coming from the bedroom, she checked the weapon's setting and began moving quietly down the hall._

_Reaching the bedroom door, she called for lights and saw only Victor's outstretched legs. He was sitting on the floor, blocked from her sight by the side of the bed. Kathryn made a wide arc around the foot of the bed until she was standing in front of him. When she saw his face, she realized the noise she heard had been him crying. Having to clear her throat first, she said his name cautiously._

_He looked up at her, and she could see the flat look in his eyes was gone. Now they looked pained. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm so...sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I would never..."_

_"You did hurt me, Victor." She swallowed thickly. "You almost killed me."_

_He nodded several times. "I know. I know. I...I'm sorry. It'll never happen again, I swear."_

_"You're damn right it won't happen again."_

_He nodded again. "Are you going to kill me?"_

_"What?"_

_He gestured towards the phaser she still had aimed at him. "You should."_

_"No, I'm not going to kill you." He looked disappointed when she set the phaser down on top of the dresser. Moving slowly, she crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, stifling a groan. "This has got to stop, Victor."_

_"I know," he said, moving to get on his knees so he could face her. "How bad is it?"_

_"Couple of broken ribs probably," she said with a slight grimace. She noticed his bloody hand on her knee. The knuckle was busted open, and she could easily recall the sickening crunch she'd heard when he'd struck the wall. "What about you?"_

_He barely shrugged. "I'll call the EMH for you."_

_She grabbed his forearm as he stood. If they called the EMH, there would be a lot of uncomfortable questions asked. Questions she didn't necessarily want to face. "I don't think we should."_

_He frowned._ _"Kathryn, a dermal regenerator may fix a couple of bruises, but it's not going to mend bones." _

_"So we'll fix what we can and just deal with the rest," she shrugged. "We've both lived with injuries before."_

_"Are you sure?" His face looked pained. "Why would you do that for me?" _

_"I'm doing it for us."_

So, they'd come up with a cover story that she'd simply slipped in the kitchen when she spilled coffee on the floor. Everyone knew she was too proud to go to medical for something as silly as that. Besides, it was close to the truth, and it gave people the opportunity to joke that coffee was going to kill her one day. Victor's story was easier, and he was actually able to go to medical after he went through one of his boxing workouts.

They'd also discussed counseling with Kathryn insisting that he give it another try. He'd promised he would.

That had been four weeks ago, and he'd only gone to one session. Kathryn hadn't pushed the issue because there hadn't been any more episodes, and Victor hadn't been drinking.

It was only this morning before coming in to work that she'd found an empty bottle, and that worried her more than she cared to think about.


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1._

**Ch. 6**

"Can you believe it?"

"Believe what?" Victor smiled down at the woman in his arms. "My incredible good fortune to be dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room?" He spun her once and brought her back into his arms. "No, I can't. I keep resisting the urge to pinch myself."

Kathryn laughed, "That's not exactly what I was referring to, but maybe I can help–"

"Help? With what – ouch!"

"Still think you're lucky?" Kathryn asked, her hand sliding up his back and away from where she had pinched him.

"Still lucky!" He dipped her. "But what were you talking about?"

Standing upright against him, Kathryn looked around, "I can't believe...after all this time...we are actually at one of these Starfleet events because we _want_ to be here."

Victor threw his head back and laughed. "Thank you for retiring, Admiral Meyer."

Kathryn beamed at him as he guided them around the dance floor flawlessly. When the tempo of the music slowed, she asked, "Did you mean what you said?"

He frowned slightly. "About what?"

Kathryn felt her cheeks flush and regretted saying anything, but it was too late to take it back now. "When you said you were dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room."

Victor stopped dancing completely and held her at arm's length. "You're stunning, Kathryn."

Kathryn felt the blush intensify as she felt like he was devouring her with his eyes, looking her up and down very slowly, as if they were the only two people in the room. She couldn't help but feel aroused. They hadn't been together since that incident in the kitchen, and while her ribs thanked her for the time, the rest of her was screaming that it had been almost three months. Odd that she'd gone so many years without, but now a few short weeks felt like a drought.

Victor pulled her back into his arms, and they began swaying to the music. His rough whisper near her ear actually caught her by surprise. "Everything about you is gorgeous, Kathryn. The way you're wearing your hair, allowing me to see that beautiful expanse of neck you usually keep hidden," his fingers played with the soft strands of hair that had fallen loose at the nape of her neck. "And yet all I can think about is how gorgeous your hair is when it's fanned out behind you, framing your face as you move under me." Kathryn felt her mouth fall open, but Victor continued. "I love the way you move, captivating everyone's attention with your smooth, confident glide, leaving every single one of them wishing they knew what it was like to see your body move against theirs with that same prowess." Kathryn glanced around, hoping no one else was close enough to hear him or notice how flushed she must be. And he wasn't finished. "I also love your dress. It has the one thing that I've hardly been able to keep my mind off of all night tonight."

"And what would that be?" she asked, her heart hammering in her chest, surprised at the strain she could hear in her own whisper.

Victor's hand left the cloth covered small of her back, trailing upwards. "I love this wide open expanse of skin," he said, his fingers grazing lightly over her bare back, moving slowly up her spine, causing her to suck in a startled breath. "I love how it's revealing and concealing at the same time, but what I really like...is this." His fingers had reached the clasp at the base of her neck. "With a simple twist of my fingers..."

"Victor," she growled warningly. The entire top half of her dress would fall down if that clasp came undone, and while the idea of that happening at some point this evening was not unappealing, she really didn't want it to happen in the middle of the Starfleet dance floor.

He chuckled wickedly, and his hand moved safely back to the small of her back. "I would never do anything like that to you, Kathryn."

She relaxed a little but saw the mischief still in his eyes. "I don't know..."

"I promise you," he leaned into her, "that clasp will only come undone when you're begging for my touch."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him.

"And once you start, I'm not going to do a thing until you are standing in front of me wearing nothing but your high heels."

Kathryn had barely processed what he said when the tempo of the music picked up and he spun her. Caught off guard by the sudden move, she bumped into the person behind her on the dance floor and almost fell. Luckily, the unwitting dance partner's arms wrapped around her and managed to keep them both upright and on their feet. She started laughing and felt the rumble of the chest behind her, as well.

"That didn't go exactly as I had planned."

Kathryn's stomach felt like it dropped to her feet at the very familiar baritone voice coming from behind her. She turned quickly and stared into deep brown eyes. "Chakotay!"

"Hello, Kathryn." He smiled at her warmly.

"Wh-what are you doing here?"

He laughed and tugged at his ear. "It's good to see you too, Kathryn."

Before she could reply, Victor was behind her. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, I didn't mean to actually let go of you..." His voice trailed off as his eyes followed where Kathryn was still staring and easily recognized Voyager's former first officer. "Is everything all right?"

"Vic-tor," a nervous laugh escaped Kathryn, and Chakotay's smile broadened. He, unfortunately, was one of only a handful of people that would've noticed the hitch in her voice. She continued, "Victor, this is Chakotay. Chakotay, this is Victor Monaster."

The two men exchanged cordial greetings, but Kathryn noticed the handshake was incredibly brief and that neither of them was smiling anymore. She also noticed, knowing both of these men very well, just how tense they both were. At the awkward silence after their greeting, she cleared her throat, turning to Chakotay. "I didn't even know you were in town."

"It's only a short visit," he said, and she was relieved to see him relax as his attention returned to her. "I'm literally only here long enough to see Mason retire and then hop back on the shuttle to go out again."

Victor coughed. "You're on a first name basis with Admiral Meyer?"

"He's a close personal friend of the Sulu family, but they couldn't be here tonight, so they asked me to stand in," Chakotay said and Kathryn gave him a look. She'd never known Chakotay to be a name-dropper, but as she watched Victor's reaction to the mention of the Sulu family she could tell he was grudgingly impressed. A new song started, and Chakotay offered Kathryn his hand. "May I have this dance, Kathryn?"

Throwing a glance at Victor, she placed her hand in his, and they were quickly swallowed by the swirling crowd. She thumped him on the back. "What was all that about?"

Chakotay looked down at her, his dimples on full display. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Showoff."

He shrugged, still smiling.

As the crowd swelled, they were pushed closer together, and Kathryn felt a pang of disappointment that she couldn't quite identify. She also couldn't help but feel how toned and defined Chakotay's chest felt. He'd toned up a lot since the last time she'd seen him. Apparently, all that digging in the dirt had been good for him.

As usual, he noticed her staring. "What?"

She quickly redirected her thoughts; taking notice of his short brush cut, she managed, "You cut your hair."

"You haven't."

She laughed, pleased that he'd noticed.

"So, that was Victor?" Chakotay commented, steering them towards a less crowded corner of the dance floor. "I've heard a lot about him."

Kathryn felt she should tread carefully. "All good things, I hope."

Chakotay didn't agree or disagree. "You seemed out of breath when I caught you back there. Is everything all right?"

Kathryn flashed back to the conversation she'd been having moments before she'd run into Chakotay. Yes, she had been slightly breathless, and damn him for noticing. "Everything's fine. It was just the dancing."

Chakotay nodded agreeably, and they circled a few more times. "I got your last message."

She frowned, trying to remember what her last message to him had been about...and then she did remember. The last message she'd sent him had been right after her lunch with Seven. Her eyes narrowed at him. "I never got a reply."

He winced dramatically. "I'm still waiting for my ears to stop ringing."

She hit him in the shoulder. "I did not raise my voice at you."

"No, it was worse. You did that low volume I'm-going-to-vaporize-you-with-my-Janeway-stare-and-you'll-thank-me-for-it voice." He smiled. "I was quite intimidated."

"Uh huh," she frowned. "And yet I still haven't heard an apology."

He nodded but said nothing.

Janeway glared at him.

He laughed again. "It's really good to see you, Kathryn."

With a shake of her head, she let it go. "I'm glad I ran into you, too."

* * *

Kathryn stepped out of the ladies room and absently rubbed the back of her neck. She was tired, her feet were killing her, and all she wanted to do was find Victor so they could go home. Scanning the now dwindling crowd, she didn't see him. She didn't see Chakotay either and felt a little hurt that he would've left without even saying goodbye. She absently scanned the room again before turning and heading towards the balcony. If she couldn't find Victor, he'd at least know where to look for her.

When she reached the door of the balcony, she could hear two male voices. Both very familiar. As well as she knew both Victor and Chakotay, she should have considered that they both knew her just as well and that they'd both go looking for her somewhere away from the crowd. Unfortunately, they'd only found each other, and from the sounds of things, they were no longer attempting to maintain the pretense of civility with each other.

"So the hero of Mondalay swept the Delta Quadrant Darling off her feet. I would've never put the two of you together in a million years." Chakotay's voice carried easily to where Kathryn had uncharacteristically frozen in place.

"I would've thought you of all people would know Kathryn well enough to know she hates that misnomer," Victor bit back stiffly.

Chakotay chuckled, but it sounded forced and humorless. "Yes, I'm sure she does. But what about you? I'm sure you don't mind being called a hero. After all, it's a hell of a lot better than some of the other names I've heard you called."

There was a moment of silence before Victor replied, "I don't know what you're talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find Kathryn so we can go–"

"Don't worry, Monaster," Chakotay turned looking right where Kathryn was still partially concealed in the shadow of the door, "she's nearby."

Caught, Kathryn stepped out onto the balcony. It shouldn't have surprised her. She and Chakotay had always been able to tell when the other was near. Victor, however, looked taken aback that Chakotay had been able to pinpoint her location so precisely when he himself had not noticed her approach.

Not sure what exactly Chakotay was up to with his antagonizing tone, she simply nodded at him and walked towards Victor's side. "I was wondering if you were ready to go home, Victor?

It was a cheap shot on her part, but she was hoping Chakotay would take the hint, drop the conversation, and call it a night.

She should've known better.

"Kathryn," he acknowledged, "Victor and I were just discussing misnomers. It seems that Victor has quite a few nicknames, some more pleasant than others." He paused. "Are you aware of all of them?"

Kathryn glared warningly at her former first officer. "Yes. I am." She lifted her chin slightly, deciding to throw down the gauntlet. "The media may love a hero, but they also love tearing down a hero. I am quite aware of their attempts to cast Victor's actions in battle in a negative light simply to increase their popularity. They attempted to do the same thing to us upon our return if you care to remember."

"I remember," Chakotay replied quietly, noticing that Kathryn's voice had slipped into the tone she usually reserved for addressing members of the media. "They attempted to portray you as a violent, brutal woman so intent on getting her people home that she was willing to commit genocide." He took several steps closer to her keeping his voice low. "I think, if given the chance, species 8472 might have agreed with them."

Kathryn blanched at his words, her mouth going dry. "That was uncalled for."

"I don't say that to be cruel, Kathryn," he replied, not backing down. "I'm simply pointing out that there was an element of truth to what they were saying."

"I think we've heard enough," Victor said, putting his hands on Kathryn's arms.

"And if there's an element of truth to what they said about you," Chakotay continued, ignoring Victor, "then there's probably an element of truth to the rumors surrounding the Monster of Mondalay." He looked hard at Victor. "Not everyone calls you a hero."

Kathryn felt Victor tense behind her. "That's enough, Chakotay."

"He destroyed three ships, Kathryn. Two of which had women and children on board and a third that was surrendering."

"I said that's_ enough._" Her voice was deathly low.

"I'm done," Chakotay said, wisely taking a step back. "I'm just thankful you didn't treat your first officer the way he treated his."

"My first officer was a changeling," Victor growled.

"That fact alone didn't give you the right to kill him," Chakotay challenged.

"He was a traitor! I caught him sending messages to those ships. They were going to attack." The volume of Victor's voice escalated, causing Kathryn to look towards the open door to the ballroom.

"Are you sure?" Chakotay asked, unconcerned if anyone overheard. "Did you ever think that maybe he was just sending messages to those ships convincing them to surrender?"

"They fired on us!"

"The Jem H'adar ship that came out of warp behind them fired on you," Chakotay stated emphatically. "So you destroyed them all." He shook his head. "Your first officer was just trying to save refugees."

"My first officer was a traitor to the Federation." Victor's lip curled upwards. "Just like you."

Chakotay took a step forward at the same time Kathryn moved, placing herself squarely between the two men. "At ease, gentlemen." Her voice rang with the authority of an admiral. "If you two want to have a childish pissing contest, I suggest you take it into the boxing ring because it will _not_ happen here."

A thick silence fell between them until Kathryn saw Chakotay's shoulders relax, and he stepped back, turning his eyes solely on her. "You never cease to amaze me, Kathryn. One day you'll have to tell me what you see in this guy."

"You sound like a jealous man, Chakotay," Victor said, his manner reeking of superiority.

"Oh, I am. I loved this woman for longer than you've known her." He saw Kathryn's eyes widen but ignored her reaction. "And that's something you'd do well to remember, Monaster."

"And why is that?" Victor asked, having lost some of his smugness at Chakotay's frank admission.

"Because if you ever hurt her…" His eyes locked on Kathryn's, and she saw in them a knowledge that he shouldn't have. The intuitive knowledge he always seemed to have when it came to her, making her wonder just how much he knew about her somewhat volatile relationship. His searching gaze returned to Victor. "I will find out about it. And then I'll find you."

"Are you threatening me, _Commander_?"

Chakotay snorted, not bothering to answer the question. Ignoring Victor, he took Kathryn's hand and kissed it. "You look absolutely stunning tonight, Kathryn."

Seeing more in his eyes than concern, Kathryn cleared her throat. "Thank you, Chakotay." She extricated her hand from his and took a step back. A step towards Victor. "That's the exact same thing Victor said."

Chakotay gave her a tight smile. "It's good to know we agree on one thing. Good night, Kathryn."

He gave her a curt nod and turned, walking away without looking back.


	8. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer, notes, and warnings can be found in chapter 1. And now for the conclusion of chapter 6. :)_

**Ch 6 cont**

Kathryn stood in the barely lit kitchen with her head down and her hands resting on the bar, still clutching the small purse she'd carried that night. While Victor had piloted the shuttle home from the ceremony, her anger at Chakotay had waned only to be replaced with confusion and exhaustion. Some of the things he'd said about Victor, she'd heard before...some she hadn't.

She had never known Chakotay to lie before, but then again, she had seen him go off half-cocked without having all the facts. Especially when it was something that was emotionally involving. And he'd admitted in no uncertain terms that he was jealous...if that wasn't emotional involvement, she didn't know what was. Hell, he'd admitted he was in love with her. Could he not have picked a better time to drop that particular piece of information?

But then that wasn't precisely what he had said. The term he actually used was "loved" not "in love". So did that mean he was no longer in love with her? But she couldn't believe that, either. Not after that look he'd given her. That look that had shown a hell of a lot more than simple concern for her.

She'd seen that look before. On New Earth, when she had been wearing nothing more than a towel clutched to her chest. She hadn't recognized that look for what it had been at the time, but she knew now. She hadn't seen that look directed at her from him in years.

But tonight he'd also told her without words that he was concerned for her, and that worried her. But just what the hell could he possibly know? He had probably talked to both B'Elanna and Seven, so it was easy to assume that he knew she'd been injured. But that was all he could know. He couldn't possibly know _how_ she had been hurt.

And yet, somehow she knew he at least suspected more than the others. So did that just mean he was worried about her and concerned for her well-being? In a purely friendly manner. Nothing more. Which was fine and how it should be, after all. She was with Victor. She'd been with Victor for almost a year now. Surely she wasn't still pining away for Chakotay. Not when she was in a committed relationship with someone else.

Surely not.

She felt a sharp object digging into the palm of her hand and realized she was crushing her purse. Releasing it and placing her hands flat against the surface of the bar, she sighed. She hated intangible arguments...especially when she was having them with herself.

Victor stepped up behind her and ran his warm hands down her arms. "You were quiet on the way home. Is everything all right?"

Discarding her internal discussion, she leaned back against his chest. "Think I might've fallen asleep."

He kissed her neck. "Thank you, by the way."

Kathryn craned her neck around so she could look up at him. "For what?"

"You were wonderful tonight," he said and tucked a loose ringlet of hair behind her ear. "My more insecure side has often wondered if, when faced with him or me, which one of us you would choose."

Kathryn frowned. "You doubted me?"

"I doubted _myself_, Kathryn. I know I don't deserve you. So it was like a gift when you stayed by my side." He leaned down and began kissing her along her collarbone.

"One of these days," she said tiredly, "you'll realize that you have highly over valued me."

Despite the heat from his kisses, the warmth from his body so close to hers was working against him as it was making her even more drowsy. She raised a hand to her mouth to cover a yawn. Victor noticed and began massaging her neck and shoulders. "It's been a long day."

"Mmm-hmmm," she murmured, dropping her chin to her chest as his hands worked at the knots in her neck.

"I know just the thing to wake you up," he whispered quietly, his warm breath near her ear.

"If you keep doing what you're doing," she mumbled, "I'll be able to sleep for a month."

His thumbs rolled in circles at the base of her neck. "Do you trust me, Kathryn?"

"Mm-hmm."

Kathryn felt a cold sensation press against the hollow of her neck, but it wasn't until she heard the hiss of a hypospray that her mind truly registered what it meant. Furious, she turned, pushing Victor away from her and automatically putting her hand to her neck. "What the hell did you just do?"

"Relax, Kathryn." He held up his hands defensively, the hypospray still held in his left. "It's just a stimulant."

"Have you lost your mind?" Kathryn ripped open the drawer next to the bar and began pushing around the junk inside it, looking for the tricorder that she knew was there.

"It's Starfleet approved, Kathryn," he sighed, as if that made all the difference in the universe.

"Starfleet doesn't issue drugs to its members," she argued, her fingers finding the errant instrument in the drawer.

"You weren't here for the Dominion War, Kathryn. Things changed," he stated, the tone of his voice harder than it had been. He placed the hypospray on the counter and slid it across to her. "Scan it. You'll see it register as a legal substance."

Kathryn slapped her hand down on the hypospray, halting its slide across the counter. The drug, whatever it was, had definitely entered her blood stream, and she felt as though she was mainlining coffee. Really strong coffee with about five shots of espresso in it. Even if it was legal, she was still furious that he had pushed it on her. The tricorder beeped obligingly, registering the hypospray's contents as legal. She swore; there had been a lot of days on _Voyager_ when she could have really used an approved stimulant like this.

"I told you," he shrugged.

"That doesn't matter." She flipped the tricorder shut, slamming it down on the counter. It didn't excuse anything. What the hell was the matter with him? "What made you think–"

"I've been using this stuff for over two years. It's perfectly safe."

"That's not the point, Victor," she said, throwing the hypospray at him.

He caught it easily. "There's something I want to show you." He held out a hand to her, and she scoffed at it. "You said you trusted me, Kathryn."

"You're a son of a bitch, Victor," she snarled, slapping her hand into his.

He raised his eyebrow at her and turned her hand over slowly until the inside of her arm was facing upwards. "People have found that this stimulant has an interesting side effect when combined with alcohol." He reached forward with the hand that wasn't holding hers until his fingertips were hovering just above the pale skin of her arm near the crook of her elbow. "You had champagne tonight, right?"

Kathryn didn't have a chance to nod before his fingers made contact with her skin. She gasped at the sensation his touch caused as he slowly grazed his fingers down her forearm. "Oh...my..."

He gave her a devastating smile and released her hand. "Feels wonderful, doesn't it?"

Kathryn stared at her arm half expecting to see a difference in its appearance. She could still feel the touch of his hand. A lingering, tingling, warm sensation was present and spreading everywhere his fingers had grazed her. "How? I mean..."

Her question morphed into a small moan of pleasure. Victor had circled behind her, and his hands were caressing the nape of her neck. He traced intricate paths along her shoulder blades, over her collarbone, and down her spine, lazily crisscrossing over her bare skin. Everywhere he touched was tingling with sensation, and the more times his fingers traced over a particular spot, the more intense the sensation became. When his mouth made contact with the spot just behind her ear, Kathryn had to grab the counter for support.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asked, nibbling on her ear.

Kathryn was having a hard time catching her breath, and the feel of his hands slipping underneath the material of her dress was making it difficult to think straight. "Yes," she managed to ground out, "You shouldn't...have told...I mean...you should have...asked."

Her last word was almost a mewl as his knuckles brushed the underside of her breasts, but moved no further. He whispered in her ear, "Does that mean you want me to stop?"

"God, no," she breathed. With some difficulty, Kathryn let go of the counter and reached up behind her neck to undo the single clasp that was holding her dress in place. The satiny material fell to her waist, and she placed her hands over his, encouraging them to continue their exploration.

He kept his hands firmly in place, laughing lightly at her attempts to move them. Looking down over her shoulder, he admonished, "That's nice, Kathryn, but I believe I told you that you'd be wearing nothing but your high heels."

Even as she hurriedly pushed the dress down and off her hips and his hands finally began to move again, Kathryn had the fleeting thought that she would have been more than willing to beg.


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 7**

Chakotay rolled his neck and stretched his legs out in front of him. The chair he'd been sitting in for the past hour was not comfortable, but he resisted the urge to stand. If he started pacing, he'd probably make the young ensign serving as Kathryn's aide even more uncomfortable. He accidentally caught her eye again and again received the same small, embarrassed smile he'd gotten from her for the past forty-five minutes. That smile told him all he needed to know.

Kathryn knew exactly who she was making wait.

The comm. unit on the ensign's desk chirped, and Chakotay looked down at his hands so he wouldn't laugh outright at the relief on the ensign's face.

"Is my three o'clock appointment still waiting, Amanda?" Kathryn's voice sounded over the open line.

Chakotay openly smiled. She had made him wait exactly sixty minutes. Only something planned would be so precise, and what was more, she wanted to make sure he knew it.

"Yes, Admiral. He's still waiting," the ensign answered, adding hopefully, "Shall I send him in?"

Chakotay grimaced. Not only had she tried to abbreviate the admiral's little game, but the ensign's efforts had probably also earned Chakotay another few minutes of sitting in the uncomfortable chair.

"Not yet, Ensign," Janeway's voice sounded a little harder. "Let him know I'll be with him in ten minutes."

"Yes, Admiral," the ensign answered dutifully. The line closed, and she looked up at Chakotay. "She's almost finished, Commander. She'll be right with you."

Chakotay nodded. "It's all right, Ensign. I know she has a very full schedule." He could almost see the girl do a mental review of Kathryn's "full" schedule. The schedule that Chakotay happened to know was practically nonexistent for today, because he had asked when he'd made the appointment to see her, and he'd been assured she'd have plenty of time for him today.

"She's usually very punctual," the ensign added then blushed when she realized who she was talking to, "but I guess you probably already know that about her."

"I know all of the admiral's games," he chuckled. "I don't mind waiting."

_I've_ _been waiting for eight years_, he added silently to himself and resumed his visual inspection of the wall opposite his seat.

Eleven minutes later, Chakotay found himself standing in front of Kathryn's desk...still waiting. He stood in a relaxed stance while she input some "last minute" calculations into a PADD and then called her aide into the office to deliver the PADD and its contents to some admiral Chakotay had never heard of. Finally, Kathryn leaned back in her chair and eyed him expectantly.

"Hello Kathryn," he started out, using her first name purposefully, even though they were both in uniform. It didn't have as much effect these days as it'd had on _Voyager_. Most of the entire crew called her by her first name now, so long as they weren't on duty. He tried not to think about Victor saying her first name, although he was sure the man did since it would be more than strange for him to call her by her rank. Especially when the two of them were in the middle of... Chakotay jerked his mind away from that line of thought, attempting to focus on the pissed off admiral sitting in front of him, who he noticed had not yet returned his cordial greeting. Make that a _very_ pissed off admiral.

But that was after all why he was here.

"I wanted to stop by and apologize for my actions the last time I was on the planet." He waited for her to lay into him, but her expression remained neutral. He cleared his throat. "The retirement ceremony was neither the time nor the place to have that sort of conversation, and I said a couple of harsh things to you that I regret."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at his statement but offered nothing in return.

He pursed his lips and nodded. "Right. Fine. Well, I said what I came to say. Thank you for taking the time to see me, _Admiral. _I know you had a busy schedule today, so I won't keep you."

He turned and headed for the door. He heard the sound of her desk chair moving, and he paused, waiting for her to say something. When she didn't, he shook his head and reached for the door.

"Coffee, black."

His shoulders slumped when he heard her voice place her order to the replicator. She really was going to just let him walk out without saying a word to him. Unbelievable. He glanced one more time at her and was surprised to find that she was watching him.

"Well," she asked, "do you want something to drink or not?"

Was she asking him to stay? Apparently, his confusion was enough of an answer for her because she ordered a second drink. Tea, herbal blend seventeen. Chakotay frowned. That was his personal replicator recipe from _Voyager_. Taking both mugs, Kathryn walked over to the couch and had a seat on one end, setting the tea down on the low coffee table near the other end. She stretched out her legs so her boots reached the edge of the table, and Chakotay watched as she breathed in the aroma from her mug before closing her eyes and taking a sip. Her entire body seemed to relax in that moment. Opening her eyes, she found him still standing by the door.

"Your tea is getting cold."

Closing the door he had just opened, Chakotay made his way over to the couch and sat down. He reached for the mug in front of him and took a bracing sip of the beverage. It was good, and he finally latched on to something to say. "You seem to be getting along better with this replicator than you did with your one on _Voyager_."

"Only so long as I stick to drinks. I haven't been bold enough to try anything of more consequence."

"That's probably a good idea," he said. "Building-wide fire suppression systems turning on would probably hurt productivity."

After several minutes passed and they were both almost out of drink, Kathryn broke the silence. "What _exactly_ were you trying to accomplish?"

"I haven't heard from you in a month, Kathryn." He leaned forward to place his empty mug on the table. "I wanted to talk to you. I missed hearing from you. I missed _you_."

She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I didn't mean today, Chakotay."

"Oh."

"That night..." her voice trailed off, and she shook her head. "I've never seen you act like that, not even around Kashyk, and him I would have understood."

"Understood what? How was I acting?" Kathryn gave him a mini death glare, and he acquiesced. "I know I said some things, but I'm wondering how _you_ thought I was acting?"

"It felt...like you were jealous," she admitted. "Which, by the way, you admitted to being."

He shrugged. "You were jealous of Seven when I was dating her."

Kathryn's jaw dropped. "I was not."

Chakotay eyed her and raised his eyebrows.

"All right," she said, backpedaling. "Maybe I was," she admitted defensively. "A little."

"You suggested she move to Vulcan and enroll in their science academy."

"So?"

"You told her you could help her make arrangements to stay at the monastery while she was attending the academy," he argued, with a hint of exasperation. "Kathryn, the Vulcan science academy is a five year program, and the monastery doesn't allow visitors."

"Seven doesn't like being disturbed," she argued, squirming, "not when she's working."

Chakotay laughed. "And yet when the news of our breakup spread, that one open enrollment slot seemed to get filled rather quickly."

Kathryn stared into her coffee cup. "I guess someone else wanted to attend."

"Uh huh," he grunted, letting it go with neither of them believing in coincidences. "Well, what else about that night bothered you about my behavior?"

"It just...it felt like you were being...overly protective," she hesitated then clarified herself, "more so than usual."

He nodded. "Maybe I was."

Kathryn felt a little pang of relief at his admission. For a moment, she feared she had read something into his actions simply based on her own knowledge of the situation surrounding her relationship with Victor. The last thing she wanted to do was actually plant the idea in Chakotay's mind to make him think she needed some form of protection. Because she didn't. She was perfectly capable of handling Victor.

"I just had heard things about him," Chakotay said, feeling as though she had expected more when she'd remained silent at his admission. "And then when I met him that night...I don't know. Something about him just..." Chakotay shrugged. "I don't like him."

Kathryn actually chuckled. "I'm shocked to hear you say that."

He smiled, but it faded quickly. "Do you realize that you move differently around him?"

Kathryn's stomach clenched. No, she didn't realize anything of the sort. "What do you mean?"

He looked uncomfortable. "You look...tense."

"Tense?" she questioned. "And you don't just think that was because of the way you were acting that night?"

"No, because I noticed it more than once that evening. Whenever you were around him, it looked like you were preparing to negotiate with the Kazon." Kathryn snorted, but Chakotay kept talking. "You always had this stance on the bridge when you had to deal with the Kazon or the Hirogen or whoever. Your movements were tighter. More rigid. Whereas if you were in your quarters or on the holodeck, you have this smooth glide to everything you do." He set his mug down on the table. "It always worried me when I'd see you make the switch in the middle of a negotiation, but nine times out of ten, it happened right before the aliens would open fire on us unexpectedly."

Kathryn's mouth had gone dry and she couldn't think of anything to say. Her mind was awash with what he had just said. She knew exactly what he was talking about on the bridge. More than once she'd relied on that inner sense and called for "red alert" just moments before they came under attack, but she had no idea she'd been doing the same thing with Victor.

Was she really in "red alert" mode when she was around him? No, more like "yellow alert". And more often lately, it seemed, now that she thought about it. Was he tired when she came home? Or more alert than he should be? Had he already been drinking when she got there? Or did he disappear into his study after dinner? Was he in a good mood naturally, or had he taken that drug again?

Now that she knew about the drug, it had become easy for her to tell when he'd used it and when he hadn't. He had actually coaxed her into taking it a second time, a couple of days after the retirement ceremony, and despite enjoying the evening's immediate activities she'd endured a headache and nausea for the next three days. After that, Kathryn had refused to use it again, much to Victor's disappointment.

"Kathryn, I'm sorry," Chakotay sighed, breaking into her thoughts. "Maybe it was just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Maybe I was just reading more into the situation that I should have."

"It's okay," she managed, giving him a small smile and gathering up the two empty mugs. She needed to move away from him and clear her head. Chakotay knew her far too well, and she didn't need him asking her right now what was on her mind.

"Are you sure?" he questioned, watching her. "I really didn't come here to upset you."

"You haven't," she answered too quickly and internally scolded herself as she recycled the mugs. She turned back to him. "Really, don't worry about it."

Chakotay stood up and crossed to where she was still standing by the replicator. "I'm still your friend, Kathryn. I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy, Chakotay."

"Okay then." He paused. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure," she said, laughing nervously, "we're friends aren't we?"

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Do you love him?"

"Of course I do."

"Then say it."

Kathryn hesitated, staring down at their joined hands. "I... I love him."

Chakotay nodded. "Will I be invited?"

"Invited?"

"To the wedding? After all, I've never known you to _hesitate_ when you were sure about something," he said pointedly.

"I am sure," Kathryn extracted her hands from his, "but that doesn't mean we're getting married any time soon."

"Why not?" he pushed, taking a step closer to her.

"Because." She unconsciously took a step back. "We haven't even talked about it."

"You've been dating this guy for a year, and the subject has never come up?"

"No."

Kathryn took another step back and bumped her desk. Chakotay reached past her and quickly stopped an unsteady picture frame from falling over. He turned it so he could see it. "This is a great picture of your mom and Phoebe."

"Thank you," she said, hoping he didn't notice the small tremor in her voice. When he'd reached for the picture, she'd caught his familiar scent of wintergreen and amber that she had always associated with him. She realized that was what had been missing that night at the retirement ceremony when they'd danced. He'd been wearing cologne, and he hadn't smelled right to her.

He righted the picture frame and quickly scanned the desktop. "I don't see any other pictures."

"What? No, that's the only one." She took another deep breath and felt like she was back on New Earth. The wintergreen scent had always filled their little hut when he came back in from bathing, just like it seemed to be the only thing she could smell right now.

"I've missed that."

Kathryn opened her eyes and realized he was still standing incredibly close to her. He was staring at her mouth. Self consciously, she licked her lips. "Missed what?"

He smiled. "The smell of coffee and roses."

She let out a little laugh. "I was just think–"

Chakotay's mouth descended on hers, cutting off the last of her sentence. Taking full advantage of her being mid-speech, his tongue swept inside her mouth, tasting the coffee she had just had. Tasting her. His arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer while his other hand tangled in her hair. His entire being was drinking in everything he could about her. Everything he'd always imagined. The way her hair felt under his fingers. Her scent filling his nostrils. Her body melting against his. Her delicate, strong hands cupping his face as she, too, tried to taste and feel as much of him as possible. Then he realized he wasn't imagining it. Kathryn was kissing him as hungrily and as urgently as he was kissing her. He moaned in pure delight.

She gasped, tearing her mouth away from his and pushing against his chest. Chakotay stumbled back, breathing hard, taking in the flushed look on her face, the loose strands of hair behind her ear.

"Oh, God," she breathed and her hands came up quickly to cover her mouth. Kathryn quickly rounded her desk, putting it between them. She stared at him, her eyes completely unguarded, and she started shaking her head at him. "No...we...I'm not...I mean, what the _hell_ was that?"

"That was a kiss, Kathryn. And a pretty damn good one I'd–"

"What were _you_ thinking?" she hissed, her hands nervously tucking her hair back in place.

"What was _I_ thinking?" He moved towards her, but she circled the desk, keeping it between them. "I may have started it–"

"Don't you dare–"

"But you were sure as hell enjoying it, too!" he finished, ignoring her protest.

She shook her head. "No–"

"I felt you, Kathryn," he said, almost pleading. "You were kissing me back!"

"It was a mistake, Chakotay," she whispered.

"No," he argued. "It wasn't. It was –"

"I'm with Victor, Chakotay."

"You don't love him!"

"That doesn't matter."

They stared at each other, both breathing hard.

"It matters, Kathryn. It matters a lot." He took another step towards her and felt a pain in his chest when she stepped away again. "I love you, Kathryn."

Kathryn had to clench her jaw to keep herself from returning the sentiment. She took a trembling breath. "Please leave, Chakotay."

He'd seen her almost say it. She hadn't hesitated. She'd almost... "Don't do this, Kathryn. Please..."

"Just...go."

"No. I love you, Kathryn." He moved past the desk in one quick movement and caught her by the arms. "I always have. Please, say you love me."

She wouldn't look up at him. "No."

He let go of her. "Why won't you say it?"

"Because, I don't..."

"You don't what, Kathryn?"

"I don't..." she hesitated not looking at him, "I don't love you."

"You're lying."

"Please...just leave."

He snorted. "I call you a liar, and you don't even deny it."

Kathryn's chin came up, and she looked him square in the eye. He knew he'd lost her. It had taken a few minutes, but the command mask was firmly in place. Her eyes were flat, and her voice was monotone when she said, "Please don't make me call security and have you removed, Commander."


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1._

**Ch. 8**

Kathryn felt sick. And that was an understatement. The feverish chill and rolling nausea in her gut were enough to say she felt sick, but add to it the tension headache pulsing behind her eyes and the tightening sensation of her chest and lungs, and she was more than willing to throw in the towel and visit the EMH. But she was certain that a hypospray wouldn't help her. She knew her problems were just the physical manifestations of guilt. Pure, unfettered guilt. Guilt for allowing Chakotay to kiss her yesterday. Guilt for kissing him back. Guilt for going home and having sex with Victor just to prove to herself she loved _him _and not Chakotay.

Unfortunately, the last part of her plan hadn't worked quite the way she'd planned.

_Chakotay had left her rattled and feeling rather frenzied. Rather than take it out on her hapless assistant, she decided to go home, where she knew Victor would be happy to see her home early. He would be more than happy to uncoil the spring that felt like it was knotting in her stomach. Unfortunately, as she walked further into the house, Victor was nowhere to be seen. And then she realized she knew exactly where he was. _

_His study. _

_She knew that was __where he liked to stay when she wasn't home. It was the one room of the house that they didn't treat as though they shared it. The study was his room. Kathryn took her jacket off and threw it over the couch. The study was not going to be a solitary room tonight. _

_Opening the door without knocking, she knew she had caught him by surprise. His head snapped up from the PADD he'd been reading and then looked guiltily at the open bottle of bourbon sitting out on the desk. The past few weeks, he'd been doing better at the drinking. Unless they were at some sort of social gathering, she hadn't even seen him take a sip. But she knew he did. She'd found the bottles, and it had probably never even occurred to him that she could smell it on his breath even after he'd brushed his teeth._

_"Kathryn?" he __asked __cautiously, throwing another quick glance at the bottle and the single smoky glass that sat next to it. "Is everything all right?"_

_She slowly shook her head as she crossed the room, walking right up to him. She plucked the PADD that he'd been reading out of his hand, pretending to peruse it. "There's something I need you to do for me."_

_"Okay, just give me a minute," he __said,__ taking the PADD back from her and dropping it into the open bottom drawer of the desk, where it clattered on top of several hyposprays. He pushed the drawer closed and reached for the bottle of bourbon, but her hand stopped him. _

_"I hope you aren't putting that away."_

_He gave her a strange look but dropped his hand. Kathryn picked up the bottle and poured its contents into the glass, filling it to the rim. Placing the bottle back on the desk, she picked up the glass and, bringing it to her lips, drained it in one long swallow. Victor watched, amazed, as she repeated the entire process._

_"Victor," she __said,__ making room on the desktop so she could sit down, "I had a really bad day today." _

_He turned in his chair so he was facing her. "Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine," she bit out, her voice harsher than she intended. He pushed away from her slightly, but she leaned down and caught the arms of the chair, pulling him closer. "No, no, you're going to have to be closer than that for my plan to work." _

_He put his hands on her knees. "What exactly is this plan of yours?"_

_"I want you," she scooted to the edge of the desk and propped one foot on the chair next to his thigh, "to make me forget everything that happened today." She put her hands on the desk behind her and leaned back, looking down at him. "That is...if you think you're __**up**__ to the challenge?"_

_He stood slowly, pushing the chair back so that her legs were draped on either side of his. He reached up and pulled the pins from her hair so it tumbled free on her shoulders. "I can make you forget, Kathryn." He leaned into her, letting her feel how ready he was, even as he spoke a quiet challenge against her ear. "But I don't think you can keep up with me." He leaned away from her, giving her an indifferent shrug. "You just don't have the stamina."_

_Kathryn's eyes hardened, and for a moment Victor thought she'd push him away, telling him to go to hell. She surprised him when she reached down, grabbed the bottom hem of her shirt and pulled it back over her head. Clad only in her tank top, she leaned her head away from him, exposing her neck. "I'm pretty sure you have something in that desk drawer that will help me keep up."_

He'd only hesitated for a minute before reaching down and then administering one of the hyposprays to her. She'd felt the stimulant rush almost immediately. The mixing of it with the alcohol and the creating of the now familiar and intoxicating side effects took a few minutes longer, but they hadn't waited. Kathryn had already been clutching at the desk top when the euphoric feeling had set in, clouding her mind and accentuating Victor's every touch. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd climaxed throughout the night. And it had been _all_ night. In his study on the desk, the couch, the rug on the floor...up against the wall…

The problem with the whole evening had been that half the time it hadn't been Victor she'd been thinking of. She'd imagined brown eyes staring back at her instead of green. The hair she'd clutched at had been black instead of blonde. And when she looked down, the hands moving all over her body had been a deep tan color instead of the olive coloring Victor had. At least she'd screamed the right name.

She hoped.

"Admiral Janeway."

Kathryn jumped at the sound of her name and looked into concerned brown eyes staring at her. The brown eyes of Admiral Brinson. The same admiral that had been droning on and on for the past half hour while she'd been sitting at the briefing table trying to focus on keeping her morning coffee down. She managed a weak smile even as she felt her stomach lurch unpleasantly. "Yes?"

The older admiral looked around. "The briefing is over."

Kathryn looked around and realized they were the only two still in the room. Jumping to her feet in embarrassment, she tried apologizing but had to stop midsentence as the room began to spin. She grabbed at her chair and the table to steady herself.

"Kathryn, are you okay?"

Admiral Brinson's voice sounded as though it were coming to her from a far distance. She tried to nod in his direction, to let him know she was okay, but her vision had completely tunneled and all she could see were his eyes. Warm brown eyes that were looking extremely concerned. She didn't want to worry him.

"I'm okay, Chakotay."

She felt her knees buckle, and the chair slipped out from under her hand. She really hoped that Chakotay would catch her before she hit the floor.

* * *

Kathryn blinked her eyes open, quickly shutting them again as she groaned at the incredible pain resonating through her skull.

"Lights to fifty percent," the EMH called. "This analgesic should help with the headache, Admiral."

She heard a hiss and felt a soothing wave of cold sweep over her, making her feel brave enough to try opening her eyes again. Cracking one eye open, she recognized Voyager's doctor standing over her. She knew it was him. No one else would dare look that disgruntled at her.

"Welcome back," he quipped dryly, setting the hypospray down on the tray next to the bed.

Kathryn cleared her throat. "How long was I out?"

"Thirty minutes."

She turned her head away, not wanting to see his reaction to her next question. "I'm pregnant, aren't I?"

"No," he answered, picking up the tricorder to scan her again, "your inhibitor is working perfectly."

Kathryn watched him scan her and felt a thrill of alarm as the device moved over her rib cage. It had been months since she'd broken her ribs, but she knew they'd still show up if the Doctor looked hard enough. But she was relieved to hear her inhibitor was still working. In fact, she was far more relieved than she would have thought. She frowned. "But I was nauseous, and I passed out just from standing up too fast –"

"That's not why you passed out," he said, cutting her off and closing the tricorder.

She felt relief when he closed the device, but she still didn't know why she was here. "Well, then, why did I?"

The holographic doctor looked furtively over his shoulder into the rest of the medical bay before turning back to her with what she could only describe as a look of disappointment on his face. "What the hell were you thinking, Kathryn?"

The alarm she'd felt moments earlier skyrocketed again. He knew. "I beg your pardon?"

"I found traces of two-nine-kelumite in your system. You had an allergic reaction to it. That's why you passed out." He looked again over his shoulder and missed her frown of confusion completely. "Would you mind explaining to me how that particular drug got into your system?"

"I don't even know what that is, Doctor. So how should I know–"

"It's a very powerful stimulant. One that is supposed to only be used by Starfleet personnel when they are in extended red alert situations, and I wasn't aware of you having gone into battle anytime recently, Admiral." He saw recognition cross her face. "I see you know what I'm talking about."

She propped herself up on her elbows. "I was told it was approved by Starfleet."

"Keep your voice down," he admonished, glancing around again. "It is approved by Starfleet when prescribed by a doctor for specific situations. It is not, however, meant to be used for..._recreational_ purposes."

Kathryn felt her face flush at his apparent knowledge. "Doctor–"

"I _am_ aware of its side effects, Admiral. That's one of the main reasons it's so popular on the black market." He squared his shoulders. "But I never prescribed it for you on _Voyager_–"

"You knew about this while we were in the Delta Quadrant?" she hissed.

"– and I certainly wouldn't prescribe it for you now." He paused. "Unless, of course, you've begun seeing a new doctor."

She glared at him.

"Which would be perfectly fine. I'd understand if you wanted to switch doctors now that we're home," he rambled. "Perhaps you want to go with someone organic, or someone that has more hair."

"I have not switched doctors...Doctor."

For a moment, he brightened considerably, then frowned. "Then what the hell were you thinking taking a controlled substance without authorization?"

"Keep your voice down," she repeated his sentiment from earlier. "I didn't know it was unauthorized. I was told it was...allowed."

"Surely your research on it would've shown that it's only been approved for combat situations."

"I didn't do any research on it," she admitted, realizing only belatedly how unusual that in itself was.

The Doctor looked surprised, as well. "Why not? You research everything."

She had absolutely no good reason to tell him. It galled her now that she thought about it. She had simply accepted it. Well actually, it had been forced on her that first time, but even so, after it had worn off _why_ hadn't she looked into the matter further? It wasn't like her. Except that maybe she hadn't _wanted_ to know...

"Admiral?"

Kathryn shook her head. "It was a mistake, Doctor. Someone I trusted led me to believe it was...accepted."

"Well, I'm glad to hear your exposure was_ accidental,_" he stressed, continuing when she opened her mouth to correct him. "That's precisely what I entered into your record."

Kathryn snapped her mouth closed, understanding finally dawning that she could be facing an uncomfortable inquiry if not for the hologram's willingness to bend the rules for her. She gave him a slow nod and spoke quietly, "Thank you."

He preened slightly before clearing his throat. "I'm sure it won't happen again."

"No. It won't," she swore, starting to feel irritated.

"However, since it was an allergic reaction," he paused, looking uncomfortable, "I have to ask, was this your first use?"

Now it was Kathryn's turn to look uncomfortable. "No."

"I see," he said. "How many times have you used it?"

She blinked and felt her face get hot. The fact that he knew why she had been taking it was more embarrassing to her than it probably should've been. After all, she'd confessed to him before about her love life. "I've taken it three times."

He huffed and rolled his eyes. "Well, that's more like it."

Misunderstanding him, her glare was murderous. "Excuse me?"

"You see, one third of the people who have used this drug have had allergic reactions to it," he began explaining happily, activating a wall panel, and completely missing her indignation. "That's one of the reasons it's controlled so stringently. When the compound begins to break down, some people's systems can't process one of its base components. A synthetic precursor stays in the body." He pointed out a segment on the molecular diagram of the drug on the wall panel. "Thinking you'd only used it once, I couldn't explain why your body had such a negative reaction to it. With just one dose, most people don't notice anything. It's the secondary doses that affects people."

"As the precursor builds up in your system, the aftereffects become cumulative," Kathryn said, joining him in studying the diagram, relieved that he hadn't been commenting on her love life.

"Precisely," he explained. "Your body treats it like a foreign element and attempts to reject it, and if you've already had three doses..." his voice trailed off, but she wouldn't look at him. "Admiral, I feel I should warn you, another dose of this could prove lethal to you."


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 9  
**

Standing on the sidewalk, staring up at the house, Kathryn felt like a fool. Absently, she reached up and brushed her hand across her cheek, feeling nothing out of the ordinary. The bruise that she so vividly remembered receiving was long gone.

Of course it was; she'd taken care of that within hours. But even now, after a month, she still felt it.

She'd been hit harder in her lifetime. More than once, actually, but that night a month ago, when Victor's fist had slammed into her cheek...it had hurt more than any other pain she'd ever had inflicted on her.

As soon as the EMH had discharged her that afternoon, she'd left Starfleet medical and gone home, feeling both relieved and angry. Relief that her and the Doctor's conversation had never turned to any older untreated injuries she had and anger at herself and Victor for being put into such an awkward situation to begin with. She'd been waiting for Victor when he walked in the door late that night, and told him they needed to talk. He had tried to brush her off and retreat to his study, but she had blocked his path, allowing him no reprieve or liquid courage. At that point, the civil discussion she'd intended to have with him had died a gruesome death, and their argument had quickly escalated into something grotesque.

_"Don't act like you didn't know, Kathryn! Last night you were like a bitch in heat....begging for it!" he yelled._

_"I never wanted that damn drug in the first place," she snarled._

_"Maybe not at first." He reached his hand up to trace a finger along her jaw. "But I certainly didn't have to convince you last night."_

_Kathryn batted his hand away. "I trusted you."_

_Victor grabbed her by the jaw. "You wanted it."_

_She reached up and removed his hand from her face. Her voice was a hiss. "Last night was a mistake."_

_"Maybe," he laughed darkly, "but that doesn't erase what happened."_

_"It also doesn't mean I have to make the same mistake twice." She turned away from him, heading for the door. "I'm leaving."_

_"Good," he snorted, "maybe when you get back you'll be in a better mood."_

_Kathryn picked up her briefcase and paused. "I'm not coming back, Victor. I'm through."_

_"Wait," he crossed the room, pushing the front door closed as she tried to open it. "What're you talking about?"_

_She backed up a step, putting space between them. "The past two days I've had a mirror held up to my face. I didn't like what I saw. This...relationship...it isn't working for me."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I'm becoming someone I don't know. Someone I don't like."_

_"That's sure not how it seemed last night," he countered, taking a step towards her. "I didn't hear any complaints coming from you last night."_

_"I told you," she reiterated, moving away from him, "last night was a mistake...in more ways than one."_

_"No," he shook his head, "I think last night was the real Kathryn Janeway coming out, and it scared the shit out of you."_

_Kathryn bit her lip as she thought of Chakotay and how she'd been thinking of him last night. Victor's words were closer to the truth than he knew, but she'd never be able to explain to him why he was right. "No, Victor, it didn't scare me, but it is one of the reasons I have to leave."_

_"No." _

_He closed the space between them in one step, his hands going to her face, his mouth slamming down on hers, kissing her. Hard. His lips crushing against hers as he ignored her hands pushing against his chest. He growled low in his throat when she didn't open her mouth, when she didn't return the kiss. He shifted, one arm wrapping around her back, trapping her closer against him, and one hand pushing on her chin, forcing her mouth open, forcing her to allow him entrance. His mouth ground down on hers, mashing lips against teeth, his tongue sweeping inside, swallowing her small sounds of protest._

_He didn't let up, and finally, he felt her respond. Her body relaxed, and her mouth began to move with his. Victor smiled to himself as he felt her hands slide up his chest until they were cupping his face. He'd been right. She'd just needed convincing... _

_Kathryn's fingernails raked against his cheek, and her teeth sank into his lip. He yelled, pushing her away from him and narrowly escaping her rapidly rising knee. Stumbling backwards and off balance, Kathryn caught the edge of the couch, just managing to keep herself upright. She glared at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"_

_He swiped at the blood he felt running down his chin, the same blood that was staining her lips. "So this is the way you want it?"_

_"Victor," she __said__ warningly as he stalked towards her. "Don't do this." She backed away from him. "No, Victor."_

_He lunged towards her, and she barely managed to evade his outstretched hand as she rushed for the front door. She had it pulled halfway open when his hand slammed it shut for the second time. Kathryn had just enough time to turn and face him before he had her pinned back against the door. There was a flurry of movement as she tried to fight him off, but in such close confines she was no match for him__. __Within moments, he had both of her wrists trapped above her head while the rest of his body pushed against her, minimizing her other possible movements. They were both breathing hard as he looked down at her._

_He grinned, the split in his lip bleeding more freely. "Now this," he grunted as she struggled against him again, causing him to tighten his grip, "Reminds me of last night."_

_"Let me go, Victor," she __said__ tightly._

_He laughed and wiped his chin on her shoulder. "No, no. You got to bite, Kathryn." He nuzzled her neck, letting his hot breath wash over her. "Now it's my turn."_

_Keeping both of her wrists trapped with just one hand, he reached down with the other and began undoing the fastenings on her pants. She struggled against him. "NO, Victor. Don't do this."_

_"You know you like it rough," he growled, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around. He slammed her up against the door, one hand tangling in her hair, shoving her face against the glass panes. "And I love it." His mouth was on her neck, biting and licking at her skin. "And I love you."_

_Kathryn could feel his other hand moving between them, undoing his own pants. He'd have both of their pants down in seconds. She closed her eyes. "But I don't love you."_

_His movements stilled behind her, his excited breath still hot on her neck. She tensed but felt his hands release the grip they had on her, felt the heat and pressure from his body against her disappear as he stepped away from her. She shuddered with relief at the reprieve. Her hands were shaking as she refastened the closing of her pants before slowly turning around to face him._

_He looked stunned. "What did you say?"_

_"I'm sorry," she breathed, eying him closely and still mentally composing herself, "but it's true. I don't love you. I don't think I ever have."_

_Victor shook his head. "You're lying."_

_Kathryn flinched at the same words Chakotay had spoken to her the day before. She had been. She knew that now, but this time she wasn't. "No, I'm not lying. I don't love you."_

_"Stop. Saying. That." _

_She brought her chin up and held Victor's eyes. She wouldn't say it again, but she also wouldn't let him think otherwise. "I'm leaving, Victor. You need help, and I can't keep staying with you out of some misguided effort__ at __loyalty. That isn't love, and I can't keep pretending it is."_

_She watched as his face morphed from bewildered denial into anguished fury, but she was still taken by surprise when his fist slammed into her cheek, knocking her backwards into the door. The next few minutes were a blur as she slumped to the floor, protecting herself as best she could against the punches and kicks that followed. Dazed, she was only dimly aware of hearing other things in the living room break and crash around her as Victor's litany of yells and indecipherable curses filled the room and reverberated off the walls. _

_Too stunned to move, Kathryn stayed in a ball on the floor until the house had fallen eerily silent. Cautiously, she moved her hands away from her head and looked up. Victor was nowhere to be seen. Planting shaky hands on the floor, she pushed herself up, feeling shards of glass and debris slide off of her as she stood. She looked around, feeling slightly dizzy. The room was destroyed. Tables overturned. Holoimages scattered across the floor. Glass crunched under her boots, and she realized dimly that two of the glass panes on the door had been shattered. Pain in her face pulsed, and she could feel her left eye rapidly swelling shut. There was blood on one of her hands, and various other places on her body ached, but she wasn't worried about her injuries. They were nothing. Her only concern was leaving. Taking one step forward, she grabbed her brief case from where she had dropped it earlier and hurried out of the house. _

That had been a month ago, and Kathryn had fled to her office at headquarters. Fortunately, she'd had no problem calling for a transport at the late hour to beam her directly there. Once inside her office, she'd been able to address her condition. Looking in the mirror, she'd been incredibly relieved that she hadn't run into anyone.

Her hair had been in complete disarray with her left eye swollen almost completely shut and turning an angry purplish-red color. She'd had scratches on her face and neck, and the shoulder of her uniform had been covered in dirt. Out of all the problems she'd been facing, the dirt had perplexed her and captured her attention. It hadn't been until she'd mentally reviewed the living room that she remembered the lovely potted plant her mother had given her to brighten up the room. Kathryn had been glad she hadn't been aware the large copper pot was being thrown at her at the time, but it had explained the very large bruise on her back that she hadn't been able to heal properly because she couldn't reach it.

Everything else, including the eye, she'd used the dermal regenerator on and been able to heal herself enough that no one else would notice anything amiss. She'd replicated a new uniform and an old fashioned ice pack for her still tender cheekbone – her mother had always sworn by them – and took a seat behind her desk. By the time the clock in her office had toned one a.m., Kathryn had already made arrangements so that she was scheduled to be off planet by six a.m. and departing with the _USS Eclipse _on a four week scientific expedition by eight a.m. Sometimes being an admiral really did have its perks.

But now she was back on Earth and standing on the sidewalk, staring at Tom and B'Elanna's home. A home that had every light in the house on and was bustling with people. A birthday party for Harry was not something she could have easily missed, and as much as she had hoped the _Eclipse _would have extended its mission by just a few days, she hadn't been willing to exercise her admiral authority that much. It wasn't the fault of the _Eclipse _crew that she hadn't wanted to go home.

Now though, she had to face her friends, and she wasn't entirely sure she knew how. Not that they knew anything was at all out of the ordinary, but she did. She knew. And she was embarrassed. She'd allowed herself to almost become addicted to a drug she knew nothing about. She'd gotten deeply involved with a man she didn't love, and worst of all, she'd let herself sink into an abusive relationship. Yes, she'd gotten out when it had gotten bad, but the past few weeks had given her the time she really needed to analyze just where she had gone wrong. It had shocked her when she realized the signs of abuse had been there since the beginning. The little digs from Victor about her shortcomings. The lying to cover up behavior. The explosive arguments. It had all been right in front of her, and she'd been blind to it.

And that blindness had almost killed her. But when it didn't, she'd run away. She'd scurried off planet as fast as she could. She felt like such a failure. The time away had been good for her, and she was able to recognize that much, at least, but she also knew she hadn't confronted anything yet.

She hadn't taken any of Victor's calls while she'd been on the _Eclipse_, and after the first few days of silence from his end, there had been a lot of calls. An amount that made her avoid speaking with the communications officer, in case he had noticed almost all of her calls were coming from one person. She had spoken with her mother, apologizing for leaving so abruptly, but her former crew and family had readily accepted that she'd taken a last minute space assignment. Most of the people she'd heard from had expressed surprise that it had taken her as long as it had to get back out into space. She hadn't told anyone that as far as she was concerned she and Victor were no longer seeing each other, and only Phoebe seemed remotely suspicious that the relationship had gone south.

"It's a lot more fun if you actually come inside," Tom quipped jovially, coming around from the back side of the house and startling Kathryn out of her reverie. He walked towards her. "Everything okay?"

Sometimes, Kathryn hated Tom's perceptiveness. He had an uncanny ability to see past what she actually tried to project. He'd actually been one of the people she'd somewhat avoided over the past year because of it. One more thing she needed to set right. She smiled, meeting him halfway across the lawn and giving him a hug. "It's good to see you, Tom."

He hugged her back, genuinely happy to see her. "We weren't sure if you were going to make it tonight."

She nodded and let her arm circle around his back as they walked towards the front door. "I've missed too many of these things, and I'm sorry about that."

Tom glanced sideways at her. "It's okay. We know you have work. We all miss some stuff."

"I know." She dropped her arm as he opened the door for her. "But I'm glad I'm here tonight."


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 9 cont**

Several hours later, Kathryn was sitting on the very comfortable living room couch, tucked into the corner cushions with a sleeping Miral snuggled into her arms. The party had died down with all the acquaintances and work-place friends having left, but the close personal friends and family had a poker game well underway at the kitchen table. It may have been Harry's birthday, but he certainly wasn't winning the game of five card draw. Surprisingly, one of Tom's younger sisters, Christy, was raking in all the chips. Kathryn frowned to herself as she listened to the game from the living room.

"Why the frown?" B'Elanna asked, sinking into the cushions at the other end of the couch.

"It's nothing," she laughed quietly, not wanting to wake Miral. "I just realized that I don't know Tom's sister that well. I guess it shouldn't surprise me to find out Tom isn't the only con artist in his family."

B'Elanna glanced towards the kitchen as another groan sounded. "For the record, I think you could take her in pool, but don't ever let her challenge you to a game of darts."

"Is that a fact?" Kathryn asked, mentally reassessing the blond woman.

B'Elanna nodded.

"You've never seen me play darts, B'Elanna."

"That's true," she agreed easily, "but I have seen her play. She's lethal."

Kathryn filed the information away for future use. "Why aren't you playing cards?"

The half Klingon shrugged. "I could ask you the same thing."

"I wanted to spend some time with my goddaughter." She hazarded a glance at B'Elanna. "After all, I have been rather remiss in my duties of late."

"You had other things on your mind," she smiled conspiratorially. "Or should I say, other people?"

Kathryn looked away at her comment, feeling uncomfortable at how supportive her friends were being about her relationship. None of them had ever even hinted at her spending less time with them for him. They all just seemed genuinely happy to see her happy. She felt like such a fraud. Even the Doctor was unaware that it had been Victor that had given her that drug. When she'd talked to the Doctor earlier, he hadn't mentioned the incident directly, but he had asked her to make some time to come in and see him, professionally. Upon further examination of her scans, he'd noticed an irregularity that he wanted to discuss with her. Feeling as though the other shoe had finally fallen, she'd assured him that she was fine now, but that she would come in and see him. She owed him that much.

"Kathryn?"

She gave B'Elanna an embarrassed smile. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

B'Elanna eyed her curiously. "We were," she hesitated, "surprised to you see you show up alone tonight."

Kathryn swallowed tightly and fidgeted with Miral's blanket. "You were expecting Victor to be with me."

"You did just get back after being gone for a month," she commented. "Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if you hadn't shown up at all."

Honesty. That was a prime choice of word for Kathryn these days. She was done lying to her friends. Still, she had strategically avoided this particular conversation all night, but if she was going to have it with anyone, she found herself glad that it was B'Elanna asking. She exhaled a deep breath. "Victor and I aren't...together anymore."

"Oh."

Kathryn cringed slightly at B'Elanna's surprised expression. "And we, it ended...badly." She took a breath. "About a month ago."

"_Oh._" B'Elanna managed, blinking several times. "And by badly...you mean–"

"Just...badly," Kathryn stated, hoping she wouldn't be pressed for details.

They both said nothing for a few minutes as B'Elanna digested the news and Kathryn waited nervously. She was incredibly uncomfortable not knowing how this sharing of personal matters would be accepted. She and B'Elanna had known each other for eight years, but when it came down to it, they were still rather new at being friends.

"So...uhm, who broke up with who?" B'Elanna asked finally.

"I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"I realized I didn't love him." Kathryn looked out towards the window. "That I would never love him."

B'Elanna pursed her lips. "Did you tell him that?"

Kathryn nodded.

"How'd he take it?"

"Not...well." Her mind flashed once again to that night and, unthinking, Kathryn brushed her fingers against her cheekbone where Victor had struck her. When she saw B'Elanna watching her closely, she tucked her hair behind her ear, hoping the move looked natural.

B'Elanna shifted in her seat so she was facing Kathryn fully. She had a dark look on her face. "I don't need to go rip off any arms do I?"

"No," Kathryn replied quickly. She had no doubt in her mind that if B'Elanna found out what had actually happened that night, Victor really would be in mortal danger. "No. If there's any arm ripping to be done...I'll do it."

B'Elanna didn't look convinced. "Kathryn did he–" she quickly lowered her voice when she saw a look of panic cross Kathryn's features, "did he _hit_ you?"

The noise level from the kitchen card game had dropped significantly just as B'Elanna had asked her question, and Kathryn prayed they hadn't overheard. When she didn't hear any chairs scraping against the floor, she felt a wave of relief.

"Kathryn."

B'Elanna's voice was insistent, and Kathryn regarded her seriously, making up her mind then and there. "Yes, he did," she said, reaching out to put a restraining hand on B'Elanna's arm. "But it was just the one time, and then I left."

"That miserable petaQ!" B'Elanna spat, launching into a long string of Klingon expletives that Kathryn couldn't translate. She cringed when she did hear a chair move and saw Tom's head and shoulders emerge from around the kitchen door frame.

"Everything all right in here?"

B'Elanna glanced at Kathryn. "Everything's fine, Tom," she fairly growled, "Kathryn was just telling me about some idiot engineer on the _Eclipse_."

Tom stood in the doorway and crossed his arms. "Must have been something really bad."

"He just made a mistake," Kathryn tried explaining.

"A mistake that could get him killed," B'Elanna interjected.

"A _mistake,_" Kathryn glared at B'Elanna, "that's over now."

B'Elanna sucked in a deep breath just as Mike's voice could be heard from the kitchen. "Tom, you playing or what?"

Tom looked suspiciously at the two women in the living room. Kathryn didn't meet his eyes, returning her attention to a now fussing Miral, but B'Elanna just gave him a small head shake. Whatever they were really talking about, neither of them was going to tell him at the moment. He nodded to B'Elanna, letting her know they'd talk later, and went back in the kitchen.

"Please," Kathryn said quietly, "do _not_ blow this out of proportion, B'Elanna. That's not what I need right now."

B'Elanna gave her a curt nod and sat back down, her hands still clenched into fists. "Sorry. You just took me by surprise."

Kathryn chuckled darkly. "Me too."

B'Elanna gave her a side long glance. "Guess it's just lucky you had those unexpected orders to join the _Eclipse_ mission."

Kathryn smiled, relaxing slightly. "Lucky indeed."

"Uh huh," B'Elanna muttered. "Well, we have plenty of room here, if you need–"

Loud cheers from the kitchen cut off her offer.

"Chakotay, you made it!"

"We didn't think you were in town."

"Come in, come in!"

Kathryn's mouth went dry as the conversation in the kitchen continued. That was one face to face conversation she had not been prepared to have tonight. She quickly handed Miral to a confused looking B'Elanna and walked straight to the patio door; she heard Tom's voice seal her fate just as she turned the handle.

"And Kathryn's here too."

* * *

Kathryn paced. She hated pacing; it felt so unproductive, but sometimes, it was the only thing to do. The patio didn't offer a lot of room, and despite seeking immediate escape by fleeing outside when she heard Chakotay's arrival, Kathryn Janeway was not going to allow herself to just slink off and run away altogether. Despite recent history, it wasn't her style to avoid confrontations. She did, however, need a few minutes to pull herself together.

Moving carefully in front of the patio furniture, Kathryn's mind raced. Chakotay's presence in her life had often provoked her fight-or-flight instinct to kick in, but she'd rarely, if ever, chosen to flee. She'd often retreated to her ready room, knowing he'd pursue her, knowing she'd have just enough time to get her arguments together before he appeared with attempts to rationalize whatever desperate scheme she had concocted. She had relied on it. Relied on his timely appearance. Relished the thought of going toe to toe with him, confident that whatever compromise they worked out together would ultimately be better for everyone.

Kathryn stopped midway across the deck. Is that what she was doing now? Waiting for him to join her so she could find the best solution? She laughed darkly at herself. That's exactly what she was doing. The patio had just become her ready room. A place not completely disconnected from her friends and the rest of the world, but a small little section where she could put her armor back on, put the mask that she presented to the world back in place, and come out looking composed and confident.

But she was tired of the mask, and the armor she had worn for so many years had grown heavy. As captain, she'd needed it. The armor had protected her from disappointments, shielded her from attack, and held her up when she was at her weakest. And the mask...the mask had been a necessity. A crew had to believe that their leader, their captain was infallible, or at the very least undefeatable. They could never have been allowed to see her as hesitant or unsure about a course of action. She'd had to project confidence and strength in every predicament, or it could have all fallen apart.

And so long as she had been with Victor, she'd continued to need that mask. That armor. Those skills at self preservation that she had honed for seven years that had made her able to walk in front of others no matter the situation. Or again, it could have all fallen apart.

But she wasn't a captain anymore. Those same people that she had striven so hard to lead were now her friends. She no longer had to lead them. She could simply walk beside them, and she could allow them to see when she stumbled. Couldn't she?

The door to the house opened behind her, and she smiled faintly, still facing into the darkness of the yard. "Took you longer than I thought."

"I was waiting for the pacing to stop," Chakotay said, joining her near the patio railing.

His voice was full of warmth, and she turned to face him. "Hi."

"Hi," he grinned. The silence stretched between them for a few minutes, and then Chakotay turned and stared out into the yard. "Do you know what's worse than a very angry half-Klingon engineer?"

"That sounds like the start of a very bad joke," Kathryn deadpanned and saw the corner of his mouth turn upwards in a smile, but it was a very brief smile, and Kathryn braced herself. "What's worse?"

He kept his hands braced on the rail but turned his head towards her. "An angry half-Klingon that won't tell you why she's mad."

"She didn't tell you?"

"No." He moved so he was facing her. "She flat out refused to say and then proceeded to call me something in Klingon that I'm not sure I want to know." He watched as Kathryn ducked her head, smiling faintly. "She's your friend now, Kathryn. More so than she ever was before."

"I know." She looked towards the house. "I'm very fortunate."

Chakotay nodded. "So how are you, Kathryn?"

"I'm doing...okay," she said with a nod, her mouth curling into a smile at his reaction. "What?"

"Nothing," he replied, giving her an almost embarrassed smile. "That just sounded like a very...honest response."

"It was," she agreed, taking a seat on one of the lounge chairs. "It's a new thing I'm trying."

Chakotay laughed outright. "Honesty?"

"Yes."

He tugged on his ear. "How's it working out for you?"

She frowned. "It's harder than I imagined."

"Difficult?"

"Uncomfortable."

"It's refreshing."

"It's nerve wracking."

"I like it."

"Me too." The corner of her mouth quirked upwards into a half smile. "Sometimes."

He took a seat across from her. "Is this one of those times?"

"Maybe."

"Can I help?" He stretched out a hand, offering it to her to take.

She placed her hand in his, relishing the warm gentle pressure as his hand closed around hers. "You already have."

"How did I do that?"

She stared at their joined hands before looking into his eyes. "I broke up with Victor."

Chakotay didn't say anything; sensing that she needed to continue, he waited patiently.

"You were right," she admitted, her voice tight with emotion. "I didn't love him."

He wanted to say he was sorry, that he wished it had worked out for her, but he couldn't. If Victor was out of her life, he was happy. Kathryn's free hand wiped quickly under her eyes as she looked away from him, and he knew she didn't want him to see her tears. Chakotay rubbed his thumb in a circle over her palm. "I'm sorry you're upset about it. I never wanted you to be unhappy."

"I know." She nodded, and then looked at him with a little shrug. "The thing is...I'm not that upset."

He reached up to her face and brushed away a single tear with his thumb, letting his hand linger against her cheek. "I love you, Kathryn."

An emotional sobbed chuckle escaped her. "I love you, too."

* * *

Two hours later, Kathryn still had a smile on her face. She and Chakotay had talked for another hour before B'Elanna had stormed out the back door and onto the patio, looking as though she were ready to explode. But one glance at Kathryn and Chakotay's joined hands and the relaxed smiles on their faces had pulled her up short. Looking from one to the other, scrutinizing them both, she had finally given a curt nod and said, "Okay, then," before going back inside. Kathryn had laughed, feeling like a warp core breach had just been avoided. At his confused look, she had promised to explain to Chakotay the whole story another time.

After that, the two of them had gone back inside and watched the remainder of the poker game, which had dwindled down to just Tom and Christy playing for all the chips on the table. Within minutes, Christy had won, and everyone had begun to say their farewells, making promises to get together again soon, and for once, Kathryn had every intention of keeping the dates she'd set.

Chakotay had escorted her home, casually commenting on the quarters she had recently acquired for herself, and left her at the door. They'd kissed, a soft, warm, non-hurried goodnight that had left Kathryn humming and wishing he'd come inside, but all things being what they were, they'd decided tonight was not the night. There was no doubt on either of their parts that more would come, but one hour long chat on a patio was not how they finally wanted to start their relationship.

So he'd left, and Kathryn had closed the door. She'd taken a deep calming breath, trying to slow her racing pulse, and headed for the bedroom. She'd just gotten her shoes off and was brushing out her hair when the chime for the door sounded. Kathryn couldn't help but smile. He'd come back, and she was perfectly willing to forgo the slow start they had decided on. After all, eight years had been plenty enough time.

She crossed back into the living room, feeling like she was floating, and opened the door. "I say we forget all about..."

The words died in her throat as she found Victor standing in the doorway, staring coldly at her. Kathryn hadn't seen him the entire time month she'd been gone, but he looked as though he'd aged years. His usually curly hair looked greasy and unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked as though he hadn't eaten anything the entire time she'd been gone. Concern welled up in her at his appearance, but then a scent hit her nostrils. He reeked of alcohol, and she immediately stiffened. "Victor...what are you doing here?"

He didn't say anything, but she saw his arm raise towards her. She saw the phaser he held in his hand, pointed directly at her chest. Reflexively, she took a step back. Even if the phaser was on stun, at this close range it was really going to–

Kathryn felt her body fly backwards when the blast hit her. She felt the impact of the carpeted floor as her back slammed into it, pushing all the air from her lungs in a rush. The fire in her chest quickly spread as the energy from the blast traveled outwards along all her nerve endings. Her head lolled limply to center, and the last thing she saw was Victor standing over her with the phaser pointed down at her chest. Another blast of heat and bright light consumed her, and Kathryn knew nothing more.


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 10**

The comm unit was beeping again, and B'Elanna growled, pushing against Tom's bare shoulders.

"Ignore it," he tried, doing his best to distract her and breathing a sigh of relief when the irritating noise stopped. "See, what'd I tell you?"

She smiled and drew him back to her. "If they know what's good for them, they won't call back."

"They won't," he mumbled and bit her on the shoulder.

The beeping started again, and Tom was practically thrown off the bed as B'Elanna snarled and jumped up from the bed, dragging the sheet with her. She slammed her hand against the panel, activating it. "This had better be damn good, and I mean someone better be bleeding to death, because this is the first night in three weeks Miral has gone to sleep early!"

"Kathryn's missing," Chakotay stated without preamble, ignoring the half Klingon's vitriol.

"What do you mean she's missing?" she asked, still annoyed but tucking the sheet more securely around her. "You two haven't even been gone from here two hours yet."

"I know. I dropped her off at her place–"

"You mean she didn't invite you in?" Tom interrupted, coming to stand behind his wife. "I thought for sure the way you two seemed to be getting along–"

"No. I didn't go inside. I kissed her goodnight and left."

"You're a petaQ."

"I realized that, Bel. I only made it a block before I turned around and came back." He indicated the room behind him. "The door was wide open, and she's gone."

B'Elanna frowned. "That doesn't mean she's missing."

"It's almost midnight. Where would she have gone?"

Tom shrugged. "Your place?"

Chakotay hadn't thought of that, but he shook his head, discarding it as a possibility. "She wouldn't have left the door wide open, and besides, her shoes and comm badge are here." He ran his hand through his hair. "Something doesn't feel right."

"So what exactly are you wanting to do?" B'Elanna asked.

"I don't know," Chakotay admitted then looked at Tom. "Can you find out where Monaster lives?"

Tom cringed. "Look, I'm rooting for you and all, but going over to the other boyfriend's house is kind of creepy."

"Do you think he had something to do with this?" B'Elanna asked sharply, and both men noticed the sudden anger in her voice.

"I think it's possible," Chakotay replied, gauging her reaction. "Do _you_ think he could be involved?"

"Kathryn broke up with that bastard," B'Elanna stated, causing Tom's eyebrows to raise in surprise. She'd always been very complimentary of Victor.

"Yes, she told me."

B'Elanna regarded her old friend closely. He wasn't nearly as mad as he should be. "She didn't tell you, did she?"

"Tell me what, B'Elanna?"

She huffed, wavering on whether or not to betray Kathryn's confidence. "Stay there. We're coming over."

"What didn't she tell me?" Chakotay demanded.

B'Elanna closed the comm channel without answering him, and turned to see Tom already pulling on a pair of pants. He sat down to put on his shoes. "There was no engineering mistake while Kathryn was on the _Eclipse_ was there?"

"Nope," she answered, slipping a shirt over her head.

"You going to tell me about it?" he asked.

"Depends on what we find at Monaster's house."

Tom grabbed his comm badge off the bedside table. "Do you know where he lives?"

"Yep, I looked up the address earlier."

Tom paused at the bedroom door. "Why?"

"I was going to tear his arms off." She pushed past him. "Now I'm going to tear something else off."

* * *

_....red alert....Cammus what......doing....._

_ ....under attack.....alert Starfle....._

_ .......surrendering.......lock weapons......_

_ ........an order........Fire!_

Kathryn Janeway was no stranger to pain. There'd even been times in her life when she'd considered feeling pain a comfort. It meant she was still alive. It meant that one more bastard in the universe hadn't managed to kill her, and her threshold for endurance was practically legendary.

But she had passed her threshold. She had gone so far past her threshold, it was several light years away by now. Kathryn barely recognized the whimper that escaped her throat as a sound she could actually make, and as much as she inwardly rebelled against making such a pitiful noise, there was nothing she could do to stop it. Sadly, she didn't think it would be her last, either.

A few minutes ago, the pain had not been this bad. She had felt cloaked in it, smothered by it, but it had been dulled. A red cloak hanging heavy over her. She had been unfocused, fading in and out of consciousness until she felt the cool touch of metal against her neck. The hiss of a hypospray had echoed in her mind, and she imagined a soothing painkiller flooding into her bloodstream.

But her pain hadn't faded; it had crystallized. Dull edges became razor sharp. Undistinguished aches became torn tendons and ruptured muscles, and the uncomfortable warmth that she had felt across her chest now resembled an open flame raging across her skin. And she was no longer able to flee into unconsciousness.

Forced into action, Kathryn's mind raced, attempting to organize her chaotic thoughts into some semblance of order. Chakotay at the door, fire building in her chest, the sounds of a ship, brushing out her hair, Victor with a phaser, Harry smiling, allergic reaction, skin crawling, Chakotay kissing her, smell of alcohol, pain in her arms, holding Miral, Victor standing over her, blinding light, can't breathe–

Kathryn coughed. The tissue of her lungs felt scorched, and trying to drag in a breath made her eyes water. Blinking them open, she instinctively tensed at the pulsing red lights and shadowy contours of a ship. She couldn't remember boarding a ship, and as the lights altered on and off, Kathryn realized she was staring up at a viewscreen showing nothing but stars and open space. Confusion overrode her pain momentarily, and she focused her eyes just enough to recognize that she was lying on the floor next to a helm control station. Even through watery eyes, she easily recognized the controls. What the hell was she doing on _Voyager_?

_"Destroy that ship, Lieutenant."_

_"Firing-"_

Kathryn heard voices she only vaguely recognized. Disembodied voices swirling around her that in her semi conscious state she thought she'd imagined. She moved to push herself up and found she couldn't. Pain radiated from her chest, shooting down to her abdomen and up into her skull at the small effort, but that wasn't why she couldn't move. Her arms were pinned behind her back, trapped together, by the feel of it. With a groan, she lifted her head enough to look down her body. It was only then she remembered she was still wearing the pale blue pantsuit she had worn to Harry's birthday party, and the thick black cord wrapped over the soft fabric, binding her legs tightly together, looked all the more sinister. If she'd been wearing her uniform, the sight wouldn't look nearly as alarming. If she'd been wearing her uniform, she'd probably still have her boots on, as well.

"Welcome to my ship, Kathryn."

She craned her head around, gasping slightly at the pain the movement produced, and saw Victor pushing himself up from the captain's chair. He was in uniform and wearing a phaser on his hip. A glint of metal caught her attention, and she saw a silver flask on the console between the command chairs. Something didn't look quite right, but her jumbled thoughts didn't allow for her to focus long enough to pinpoint the problem.

"Your…ship?" she asked, her voice rasping harshly.

"Computer, pause playback. Yes, Kathryn, the _USS Cerberus," _he proclaimed, surveying the bridge. "She looks pretty good, doesn't she?"

Kathryn frowned. She'd forgotten that his ship had also been an Intrepid class. No wonder it looked so much like_ Voyager_. But she could've sworn the_ Cerberus_ was not in active service. It was supposed to be moored in the shipyards.

"So what do you think, Kathryn?" Victor asked, returning his attention back to her lying on the floor. He closed the distance between them, walking down the few steps that led to the helm controls. "Better than _Voyager_?"

"Hardly," Kathryn ground out automatically. Every coherent thought she had seemed to take a little more effort than usual, a casualty of two phaser blasts so close together, no doubt, but her pride in _Voyager_ was instinctual.

"We'll have to agree to disagree on that point," he smirked, winking at her as though they were sharing a joke. His attention seemed to waver for a moment, away from her to some distant thought as he looked at the stars on the viewscreen. Then, shaking his head, he looked down at her. "You don't look very comfortable. I bet you'd be more comfortable sitting in the captain's chair."

Victor reached for her, and Kathryn's eyes widened as she realized his intent. "No–"

In a hurried movement, Victor's arms snaked underneath her and she was lifted up and held against his chest. All of Kathryn's abused nerve endings cried out against the forced contact. The fiery pain that had been slowly receding stormed to the forefront once again, causing Kathryn to gasp. And then she was moving again, falling, until her still-bound arms came into contact with the back of the command chair and the rest of her body weight fell against them. More pain, a sharp stab, shot up her wrist, and she grunted.

Victor slouched into the first officer's chair and reached for the flask sitting between them. He stared at her as he took a long drink from it. Offering it to her, he asked, "Thirsty?"

Kathryn ignored him, concentrating instead on relieving some of the pressure from her arms while keeping her bound feet under her so she didn't slide out of the chair.

"Hey!" Victor hit her in the shoulder with the outstretched flask. "I know you're thirsty. I can hear it in your voice."

She slowly turned her head to acknowledge him. The words she wanted to say caught in her throat as she looked at him. Even in the dim light, she could see how pale his skin was and how the hand that held the flask was trembling. She had never seen him look this strung out. "What're you doing?"

Her words came out slightly slurred, causing Victor to look at her with confusion. He pushed the flask towards her again, the lip of the bottle bumping against her chin. "I think you should drink something, Kathryn."

The strong, smoky scent of the whiskey hit Kathryn like a sledgehammer, and her stomach flip flopped, threatening to add to her problems. She jerked her head away from the bottle.

"Don't be like that," he scolded, lurching out of his chair and leaning over her. He grabbed her by the chin and pulled her head back around, placing the opening of the flask on her lips and pouring the liquor into her mouth.

Kathryn glared at him silently, trying not to breathe as the strong whiskey filled her mouth until it ran out the corners, dribbling down her chin. She jerked her head away from his hand, and Victor let her, seemingly happy that she'd acquiesced. Surprising him, Kathryn turned her head to the side and spat the liquid out. Victor swore and grabbed her by the hair, yanking her head back. "You _will_ drink it, Kathryn," he snarled and tipped the bottle over her face. "Don't act like you don't want a drink. I know you do. I know you can drink."

The peppery liquid splashed over her mouth and nose, burning as it hit the back of her throat, sliding into her lungs. She coughed convulsively, spewing the liquor back onto him, and causing herself an endless amount of pain as her still-aching chest heaved against the continued mistreatment. Victor swore again and released her, letting her slide to the floor, where she landed on her side, continuing to cough violently, stars exploding behind her eyes at the painful muscle contractions.

"Damn it, Kathryn!"

Even from her position on the floor, she saw the now-empty flask sail through the air and hit the forward view screen. She sucked in a decent breath as the coughing finally began to subside. Her eyes and nose burned, and her hair was wet and sticking to her face; the front of her shirt, now soaked in the strong-smelling alcohol, clung to her skin.

"Victor." Her voice sounded hoarse, but some of the fog in her brain seemed to finally be lifting, and she felt as though she were finally able to put some authority into it. "What...do you want?"

The man standing above her turned around. He was breathing hard, but he squatted down to be closer to her. He reached a hand out and smoothed some of the hair that was stuck to her cheek behind her ear. "Like you don't already know."

His sneer confused and alarmed her. "Know what?"

"It was your friend wasn't it? _Chakotay_." His lip curled in distaste. "You were working with him all along weren't you?"

Kathryn struggled to move to an upright position. "What are you _talking_ about?"

"I saw the two of you together, Kathryn!" he roared, grabbing her by the front of her shirt and jerking her close to his face. "I saw you kissing him." He dropped her back to the deck and paced a few steps away. "I _loved_ you, and you _betrayed_ me."

Kathryn managed to push herself back on her side. "Victor–"

"And now, all of a sudden, Starfleet has new evidence they want to look at. Evidence that I'm guessing you and your _Maquis_ fabricated." He slammed his hands on the railing dividing the bridge. "Christ, Kathryn, I _trusted_ you."

"Victor. I don't know what you're talking about," she reiterated.

He stormed back to her side, tearing at the ropes around her legs and hauling her upright. She stumbled against him as all her blood rushed towards her feet.

He snarled into her face. "Then I'll explain it to you."


	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1._

**Ch. 10 cont **

Tom let out a low whistle. "Man. If these replicator records are accurate, this guy has either been eating out a lot, or he's been living on nothing but whiskey and...well...whiskey."

"That's not the only thing," B'Elanna said, emerging from Victor Monaster's study holding a tricorder and a hypospray. "There's almost a dozen of these in there. What exactly is two-nine-kelumite?"

"I don't know." Tom's brow furrowed as he crossed the room towards her, reaching for the tricorder and reading the results. "Oh, I remember this. The Doc found out about it one of the times he went back to the Alpha Quadrant. Starfleet was so low on people during the war they developed this to help keep officers awake and alert for however long a situation called for it."

B'Elanna fairly marveled at the hypospray. "Why haven't I ever heard of it?"

"Now that the war is over, it isn't really used that much," he explained. "At least not by Starfleet."

"There were days on _Voyager_ when this could have come in really handy," she said longingly.

Tom plucked the hypospray out of her hand. "Well, you were the second reason the doctor chose not to use this as an option while we were on _Voyager_."

"The second reason? Who was the first...oh." B'Elanna understood perfectly when Tom gave her a look of exasperation. "Yeah, I guess the captain really would have been interested in this little gem."

"The woman barely slept as it was," he commented distractedly, studying the hypospray, "but that doesn't explain what it's doing here, unless–"

"Unless what?" Chakotay asked harshly, emerging from a doorway at the end of the hall.

Tom shifted uncomfortably. "Well, there is another reason this drug became popular."

B'Elanna gestured impatiently when he didn't immediately continue. "And that is?"

"On the black market, this is called Puck's Solstice." He paused, looking at both Chakotay and his wife, hoping they'd heard of it and he wouldn't have to explain further. They both looked at him blankly. Tom sighed. "Taken in conjunction with alcohol...it…well..." He hesitated again before blurting, "It makes you want to dance naked under the moonlight." He put some distance between himself and Chakotay. "It's like the ultimate aphrodisiac."

Chakotay's eyes darkened. Kathryn's sex life with Victor was not something he wanted to think about, although having just come out of the bedroom, he had a bad feeling that sex was not what Victor had in mind when he'd left the house.

They'd gained entrance to Victor's house through less than legal means, and Chakotay had tried to prepare himself to see a home that Kathryn had established with someone else. Someone that was not him. But upon entering, he'd seen hardly anything that reminded him of Kathryn. No personal pictures of her family or friends. No small Delta Quadrant souvenirs like he saw in the homes of every other _Voyager_ crewman. There seemed to be no warm touches at all that would've made him think Kathryn lived there.

But if he'd expected to find her presence anywhere, he'd thought that it would be in the bedroom. He hadn't been completely wrong. The bedroom had definitely been filled with her clothes, and the smell of her perfume had hung heavy in the air, but it was all in disarray. Her clothes, some appearing torn, had been scattered everywhere in the room, thrown across the floor, hanging off the dresser, and balled up against the bed sheets. He'd found her perfume bottle on the floor in the corner. The bottle had been cracked, and Chakotay had found a small gouge in the wall just above where it lay. Even a hairbrush, with strands of red hair, lay broken in two near the dresser. Chakotay didn't think Victor had taken it too well when Kathryn had left him.

"But surely, Kathryn wouldn't use something like that," B'Elanna argued, gesturing at the hypospray Tom still held. "It'd be illegal."

Chakotay glared at B'Elanna. Even when they'd arrived at the home and figured out neither Victor nor Kathryn were here, she'd still refused to tell him what she'd been talking about earlier. Something that Kathryn had told her in confidence, but having seen the bedroom, he had a horrible idea he knew what had happened. The kind of anger that was evidenced in the bedroom did not develop overnight.

"What the hell did he do to her, B'Elanna?" he growled, immediately gaining her attention.

B'Elanna opened her mouth to automatically deny that she knew anything, but then closed it again, shaking her head. "I don't know, really. She just said that she had broken up with Victor and it had gone badly." Chakotay took a step towards her, and she continued. "When I pushed her about what that meant exactly, she admitted that Victor had hit her." Chakotay swore, and Tom's eyes got a dark look in them that she hated to see. "Kathryn said it only happened the one time, but...I don't know. I think maybe it was more than once."

The rage that was building inside Chakotay's chest was tempered only by a fear for Kathryn. A fear that had been steadily growing ever since he'd returned to her temporary quarters to find her missing. Quarters that she had only rented within the past few days. He looked up. "Did Monaster know about tonight?"

"Tonight?" Tom repeated, confused. "You mean Harry's party?"

Chakotay nodded.

"Yes, he knew. We sent out the invitations months ago. Why?" B'Elanna questioned.

Chakotay swore and paced away. "Victor was there tonight."

"What?" they both said in unison.

"Kathryn told me she hadn't talked to Victor in a month. I don't think she'd even told him she was back, and if he'd hit her, she certainly wouldn't have told him where she was staying. But he would've known where she was going to be tonight. He must've waited for her to leave and then followed her home. Followed _us_ home..." Chakotay's voice trailed off as he thought about how the evening ended.

"And then he watched you kiss her goodnight," Tom finished for him. "I'll contact my dad and let him know what's going on."

Chakotay swallowed tightly. "We're going to need the _Flyer_."

"That's no problem," B'Elanna said. "Where do you think he's taken her?"

"I have no idea, but I'll contact the doctor. I think we're going to need him with us."

"For Kathryn?"

"I hope not," Chakotay replied quietly. "But if he's hurt her at all...the doctor will have two patients to take care of."

* * *

Victor pushed Kathryn back into the captain's chair. "Computer, resume playback. Visual and audio."

The viewscreen came to life showing the bridge as it had been during Victor's command, overhead lights grayed out, the red alert lights flashing, not unlike how the bridge was now, except for fewer people. A blond woman sat at the helm, fingers flashing over her board, trying desperately to keep up with the commands that were being fired at her. Commands from Captain Victor Monaster, sitting in the chair Kathryn now occupied. His first officer, Cammus, was nowhere to be seen.

_"The Jem H'adar ship is firing again."_

_"Evasive maneuvers. Return fire."_

"Starfleet has reopened the investigation into my actions that day at Mondalay," Victor snapped, waving his hand wildly at the viewscreen. "Apparently, they were presented with new evidence. A recording that was supposedly recovered from the debris field." He glared at Kathryn. "Still want to pretend you don't know anything?"

Kathryn opened her mouth to defend herself, but an explosion rocked the image on the viewscreen.

_"Structural damage reported on decks six, seven, and nine."_

_"Two ships destroyed, sir. The third is powering-"_

_"The Jem H'adar?"_

_"-signaling a surrender."_

_"The Jem H'adar don't surrender, Ensign."_

_"Not the Jem H'adar–"_

_"I'm reading fluctuations in their power grid."_

_"Destroy that ship, Lieutenant."_

_"Firing–"_

_"–entire power system has collapsed."_

_"...target destroyed, sir."_

Kathryn lowered her head.

_"Scan for survivors."_

_"There's...none, sir. No life signs."_

_"We're receiving a distress call from the _Sebold_. One light year away...she's under attack."_

_"Set a course."_

The viewscreen went dark as the playback ended. Kathryn slowly looked up and saw Victor still staring at the darkened screen.

"You don't know what it was like," he said softly, turning to face her. "You weren't there, Kathryn. I had to make...a decision." He shook his head. "You can't second guess these things."

"I'm not trying to, Victor," she countered.

"Then _why_?" He crossed the bridge towards her and planted his hands on the arms of the command chair, leaning into her space. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Kathryn raised her chin. "I'm not doing anything to you, Victor."

"You're trying to take my life away from me."

"_You_ shot _me_."

His hands came up to her face, his fingers curling as though he wanted to choke her. "You _left_ me. You _betrayed_ me."

"_You_ betrayed _me_, Victor. I trusted you. I made excuses for you. I believed you would never intentionally hurt me."

His face crumbled, and he pushed away from her, shaking his head. "No, no, that's not what happened...that's not...you wouldn't take my calls. You didn't let me explain."

"There was nothing for you to explain. You _assaulted_ me."

"No." He shook his head. "No, you're twisting the facts. That's not what happened."

"It _is_ what happened."

"That's not why we're here!" he yelled.

Kathryn dropped her chin and took a breath, forcing herself to reply calmly. "All right. Why are we here, Victor?"

"Because." He pointed at the deck. "This...this is where it all started. This place...this is where it began."

"Where what began?"

"The lies." He pointed a shaking finger at her. "The betrayals. It all started right here. Right here...with Cammus. He was the first. But now," he ran his hand through his hair, leaving it looking even more disheveled, "now it's Starfleet. Now it's _you_. You're trying to take everything from me. Everything I've worked for. Everything I've lived for." He looked to her again. "I don't understand why you're doing this to me."

"Victor, no one is doing anything to you. You need help. Let me go–" he started shaking his head, but Kathryn spoke over him, "let me go, and I will do everything I can to see you get the help you need."

"No!" He pulled the phaser from his hip and aimed at her. "I don't need your help!"

Kathryn tensed, but refused to look away. "You brought me here for a reason, Victor. What was it?"

He blinked at her question. Confusion marred his features, but the arm aiming the phaser lowered back to his side. "I killed Cammus because he betrayed the Federation."

Kathryn wasn't so sure about that anymore, but she simply nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"But now, Starfleet is betraying me. They're saying I was wrong. That I shouldn't have destroyed those ships." He paused, and Kathryn waited silently. "And you...you betrayed me. You never loved me and now you're with _him_. Another traitor to the Federation." Kathryn clenched her jaw to keep from saying something. Arguing with him would accomplish nothing at this point. "So, the only conclusion I can come up with is either I'm right...or all of you are."

"I don't think it's that black and white, Vic–"

"No, it is. Either...I'm right or...Starfleet's right. I either saved the lives of my crew that day...or I killed innocent people." He shook his head. "It can't be both."

"Which do you want it to be?" she asked quietly.

His face crumpled at her question. "I just want to get it right." He spun towards the viewscreen. "Computer begin playback of ship's log _Cerberus_ one three one. Start at time index one point four seven."

The screen flared to life, and the activity on the bridge jumped back into action.

_"Structural damage reported on decks six, seven, and nine."_

_"Two ships destroyed, sir. The third is powering-"_

_"The Jem H'adar?"_

_"-signaling a surrender."_

_"The Jem H'adar don't surrender, Ensign."_

_"Not the Jem H'adar–"_

_"I'm reading fluctuations in their power grid."_

"Computer, pause recording." He stared at the frozen image on the viewscreen. At the helmsman, Ops officer, and security officer that had all been talking at once but were now frozen. Victor's voice was almost a whisper when he asked, "What would you have done, Kathryn?"

"I wasn't there."

"You're here now. You've watched it," he argued, waving his hand at the screen. "Would you have fired?"

"I hadn't had your experiences, Victor. I have no idea how I would've reacted in that situation," she tried.

"Just answer the question," he demanded. "Would you have fired?"

"It's not that simple, and you know it."

He fired the phaser into the Ops station, sending sparks and smoke into the air of the bridge. "Answer the question!"

Kathryn glared at him silently, ignoring the sparking console. Victor closed the distance between them in one quick movement, one hand wrapping tightly in her hair, pulling her head back while the other jammed the phaser under her chin. "Would...you...have fired?"

Ignoring the pain in her scalp, she regarded him stonily for a moment before answering, "No."

His hand released the painful hold it had on her hair, and the phaser dropped away from her. The pain and hurt she could clearly see in his eyes echoed in his voice when he asked, "Why not?"

Keeping her voice low and steady, she answered him. "I don't fire on ships that are surrendering."

Victor nodded and stumbled backwards away from her. "Okay...okay." He looked back towards the viewscreen, staring at the frozen images of his officers. "You're right. I failed them. I failed them all." Giving the screen a nod, Victor took a breath and straightened his shoulders. "Computer, set auto destruct sequence, authorization Monaster one seven gamma."

"What the hell are you doing?" Kathryn asked, shocked.

_"Auto destruct sequence set for one minute silent countdown. There will be no further audio warnings."_

"I'm sorry, Kathryn." He slumped into the first officer's chair. "It's over."

"Victor, I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but I still outrank you, and I have had enough." She got to her feet, moving instinctively to the center of the bridge. "Computer, disengage auto destruct sequence, authorization Janeway alpha two nine five five. Lock out all voice commands to my authorization."

_"Auto destruct sequence has been disengaged."_

"Good. Now, computer what's–"

"You bitch!" A heavy blow hit the back of her head, knocking her to the floor. Kathryn landed hard on her knees, unable to stop herself from pitching forwards. Pain blinded and dazed her but whatever drug Victor had used to wake her up initially worked in her favor and kept her from blacking out. She rolled awkwardly onto her back in time to see Victor adjusting the setting on the phaser he still held. Her arms were still bound and trapped painfully underneath her, but her legs were free, and she kicked out with them, catching Victor in the knees and knocking him to the floor in front of her. The phaser sailed out of his hands, coming to a rest near the command chairs.

Kathryn pressed her advantage and slammed her heel into his groin. He groaned and doubled up as Kathryn put distance between them, crawling and scooting her way towards the steps leading to the upper part of the bridge. Managing to stumble to her feet, she'd just cleared the steps when she heard him start to laugh. She moved slowly towards the Ops station, staring at him as he rolled on the floor.

"Victor?" she asked warily, still breathing hard.

He looked up at her from the floor, a sick sort of laughing sound escaping him even as tears streamed down his reddened face. "You always...have to do things...the hard way."

She straightened. "What are you talking about?"

He uncurled slightly and held up one finger. "You hear that?"

Kathryn listened and heard a high pitched whine that hadn't been there moments before. "What is that?"

He laughed. "That's a phaser about to overload."

She automatically looked down at the phaser that had fallen near the command chairs. The whine was growing louder, and she knew there was no way she could reach it in time to disable it. Victor laughed louder. Kathryn backpedaled, moving towards the turbolift. The doors obediently slid open as the whine of the phaser peaked.

Kathryn managed to turn and take one step inside the lift before she felt a giant wave of pressure slam into her from behind, throwing her forwards. Unable to put her arms up to protect herself, her head cracked painfully against the far wall of the lift. Her arms and back felt hot as she collapsed against the wall, sliding downwards to the floor, the doors of the lift closing in a jerking motion behind her. Landing on the floor, she knew she wouldn't be conscious for very long. The drug in her system that had woken her up and helped keep her awake was fighting a losing battle. She'd been hit too hard, too many times, and her body was ready to shut down, but she fought it. There was still one thing she had to do before she succumbed to the black fringes growing in her vision.

"Computer...initiate..." The lights in the roof of the lift flickered, and Kathryn's head dropped back against the wall. "Initiate...distress call..." She felt blood running freely down the side of her face, and the ache in her skull seemed to pulse in unison with the lights above her. "Authorization...Janeway...alpha two..." Her chest ached as she tried to get the words out and the ringing in her ears was so loud she could barely hear herself. "nine...fiv–"

After a minute of inactivity and silence, the lights in the lift shut off. The ship's computer automatically closed the open communication line and discarded the incomplete message.


	15. Chapter 15

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can all be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 11**

_"_There she is," Tom crowed triumphantly, and four sets of eyes immediately looked out the front viewports of the _Flyer. _The _Cerberus_ hung suspended in space in front of them listing slowly to one side.

"She's adrift," B'Elanna noticed immediately, her hands flying over the control panel at the tactical station.

The EMH turned to her. "Life signs?"

Chakotay closed his eyes, silently waiting for B'Elanna's answer. It had been three hours since the first shipyard maintenance team had reported the _Cerberus_ absent from its mooring. Nine hours since Chakotay had first returned to Kathryn's quarters to find them empty. Starfleet hadn't even made the case a priority yet, citing that not enough time had passed and there was very little evidence of any sort of crime or distress.

Luckily, Owen Paris had agreed with his son that something was amiss. He'd been the one to alert them about the _Cerberus_ being missing. Chakotay had been extremely thankful for his help as they'd already exhausted the extent of their leads. They'd also caught another stroke of luck when they found out the Cerberus's warp core had been taken off line for refurbishing, leaving it with impulse engines only. The _Delta Flyer _and its four occupants had begun a search pattern for the errant ship, heading on a hunch in the general direction of the Mondalay sector.

B'Elanna still hadn't answered the crucial question though, or if she had, Chakotay had missed it. He opened his eyes and turned to her. "B'Elanna?"

"No life signs," she shook her head. "But there's been some sort of mass energy explosion on the bridge. I can't get any clear readings there."

"Energy explosion?" the Doctor asked, attempting to peer over her shoulder.

"It looks like..." She looked plaintively at Chakotay. "It looks like weapons fire. I'm reading micro-fractures in the hull even, but force fields are holding."

"Can we beam over?"

She shook her head again. "Not through this interference."

"Tom, get me on that ship."

"You got it," he said, his hands making adjustments on the controls and bringing the _Flyer_ around to the ship's docking bay.

Within minutes of landing in the shuttle bay, the four of them found themselves traversing the emergency ladder-wells with the doctor in the lead and Chakotay right behind him. Chakotay called down and over his shoulder. "B'Elanna, as soon as we get up there, I need you to get either the transporter or the turbolifts working."

"We don't even know if she's up there, Chakotay."

"She's there," he stated firmly. He knew Kathryn was up there, and his gut was telling him that she would be in no fit condition to scale ten decks of ladders.

Pushing the grate off the entrance and letting it clatter to the deck, the EMH leaned halfway out and onto the bridge, tricorder in hand. Chakotay held his position on the rungs, waiting, hearing only the heavy breathing of Tom and B'Elanna below him.

The bald head of the hologram peered down at him. "It's safe enough."

He moved all the way out of the opening, and Chakotay raced up behind him. The first thing that hit him was the scent of burned circuitry. He got to his feet and scanned what was left of the bridge. The Ops station was little more than a mass of melted circuitry, the command chairs were completely gone, the overhead lights flickered, and the viewscreen showing a scene of open space seemed to have static running across it.

"There's no one here," Tom said defeatedly, coming up behind Chakotay.

"There was," the Doctor reported darkly, running his tricorder over what was left of the bridge. "Traces of Admiral Janeway's DNA is all over the place, and one other person's. Male."

"Monaster?" Chakotay asked.

The Doctor looked grim. "Most likely."

"But where are they now?"

"An overloaded phaser," B'Elanna informed them, treading carefully on the unstable deck and taking readings from where the command chairs should have been. "The blast radius originated from this point."

Tom turned away, and Chakotay bowed his head. His hands tightened on the upper railing of the bridge, and he felt his fingers sink into the crumbling material that should have been solid. If Kathryn had been near that phaser when it overloaded, there'd be nothing left.

Tom gave a suspicious sniff. "We don't _know_ that she was here. She could be anywhere. She could still be somewhere else on the ship." B'Elanna and the Doctor gave him pitying looks, but he refused to acknowledge them. "We'll get the lifts working, and start searching the ship. Deck by deck."

"Tom, there weren't any other life signs," B'Elanna reminded him quietly, but he ignored her, moving towards the turbolift.

"Looks like these things got hit with the blast, too." He walked close enough to the battered doors to trigger the sensor to automatically open them. The doors slid apart about six centimeters before grinding to a halt, but it was enough. Enough for Tom to catch a glimpse of red hair. "Chakotay! She's here! I can see her!"

Chakotay spun, crossing the minimal distance to find himself held hostage from where Kathryn was slumped on the floor by unmoving doors. Grunting, he and Tom both crammed their fingers in between the doors and pulled. The doors screeched open another few centimeters. "Kathryn!"

"Doc, get up here!" Tom yelled.

Kathryn didn't respond at all, but the hologram added his abundant strength to the effort of forcing the doors open, and the three men finally got the opening wide enough to slip inside. Chakotay made it to her side first. "Kathryn. Kathryn."

She was slumped in an awkward position, and the fury in his chest raged as he took in the sight before him. She still wore the pants outfit he had last seen her in, but the dried blood coating one side of her face marred the mental image he'd kept of her the past few hours and drew attention to the unhealthy pallor of her skin. Chakotay instinctively wanted to cradle her protectively against his chest, but her arms, still bound behind her back, looked reddened.

The Doctor appeared in the lift even as Chakotay tore at the frayed rope binding her arms, being careful of her injured skin. "Doc, she's got phaser burns on her back and arms." The Doctor didn't acknowledge him, studying the readouts on the tricorder he was scanning her with. "Doctor, did you hear me?"

"Phaser burns are the least of her problems," the EMH muttered darkly and looked over his shoulder through the opening of the doors. "We need transporters _now_."

"B'Elanna's working on it, Doc," Tom reassured them from the door with a glance over his shoulder to where the half Klingon was undoubtedly ripping circuits apart. "What do you need me to do?"

"What's the matter with her, Doctor?" Chakotay asked, smoothing a hand over Kathryn's forehead, frowning at how clammy her skin felt.

"I need you to get down to sickbay, Mr. Paris," the Doctor said tersely. "Make sure everything is online and ready for our arrival."

Tom nodded and disappeared from the doorway. Chakotay practically growled, ready to throw Kathryn over his shoulder and carry her down himself. "Doctor?"

"There's significant damage to her heart and lungs, a fracture in her skull, inter-cranial bleeding–" he administered a hyprospray, "but she's in shock. Her body's already begun shutting down. If I don't get her to sick bay in the next few minutes, we may lose her."

Kathryn jerked against Chakotay's hands, and for one wonderful moment, he thought she was waking up.

"She's having a seizure."

The Doctor's words barely penetrated as Chakotay watched in horror as Kathryn's body convulsed on the floor in front of him. There was no room in the confined space, and he barely had time to stretch out his hand, inserting it between her jerking head and the wall of the lift. The EMH administered another hypospray.

"Torres!" Chakotay cried out, even as Kathryn's body went limp against his hands, causing a different wave of fear to sweep over him.

"Thirty seconds!"

The Doctor swore just as the tricorder emitted an ominous beep, and Chakotay couldn't decide which he found to be more disturbing. He looked down and could've sworn that he could tell just by looking that Kathryn's heart had stopped beating. The Doctor's yell that she had gone into cardiac arrest simply confirmed what Chakotay already knew.

Kathryn was gone.


	16. And now the conclusion

_Disclaimer, notes, and warning can all be found in chapter 1. _

**Ch. 12**

A light mist of rain set the mood for the somber gathering. The Starfleet chaplain presiding over the ceremony didn't seem to notice the weather as he extolled the accomplishments of the highly decorated officer he'd never actually met but now had the honor of commemorating.

"And we commit this soul to the stars," he concluded solemnly, nodding to the guard of Starfleet officers to his right.

At the first sound of weapons fire, Chakotay jumped in spite of himself. He'd been so absorbed in his own thoughts, he'd literally forgotten where he was. A second round of loud cracks rent the air, followed swiftly by a third. The time honored tradition of a gun salute had been carried out, and the first sad notes of a bugler began to sound across the memorial service. He blinked, watching the seven officers stand stoically, holding their purely ceremonial weapons at crisp attention as the bugler's notes continued. He knew he should probably be feeling something more than the vague curiosity at how they managed to maintain such ancient weapons, but quite simply, he didn't want to be here. He wanted nothing to do with all this required pomp and circumstance that he found to be just short of a farce.

The weight leaning against his shoulder increased slightly, and Chakotay shifted the umbrella he was holding so he could put his arm around Kathryn's shoulders. Not that she'd ever admit to it, but he knew she was still feeling weakened from the events of the past several days. The events that had ultimately killed Victor Monaster and had almost killed her. As he looked at the memorial stone erected for Starfleet's "hero" captain, Chakotay could still feel very little pity for the man. Kathryn had said he'd been guilt-stricken in the end, but as far as Chakotay was concerned, that did nothing for the fact that he had tried to take Kathryn out with him.

And he'd come damn close to doing it, too. Chakotay had never felt so completely bereft as he had that moment in the turbolift when the Doctor had announced her heart had stopped. He'd been ready to lie down right beside her. His place was at her side, and if she was dead, then that was the only place he wanted to be, as well.

But he hadn't died. The familiar tingle of the transporter beam had enveloped all three of them and delivered them to sickbay. The Doctor and Tom had rushed into action, and within moments, they'd had Kathryn's heart beating again, but it hadn't been seamless. Twice more while they worked to heal her injuries the beating of her heart had faltered, setting off alarms and causing Chakotay to fear for his sanity. After the second time the alarms had been silenced, he'd sunk into the chair in the small office and buried his face in his hands. B'Elanna had found him that way and had simply laid her hand on his shoulder, offering the only support she could.

Eventually, the Doctor had come into the office, looking tired for a hologram, and announced that he'd done all he could and that the rest would be up to Kathryn herself. The phaser blasts to her chest and back had caused some nerve damage as well as severely dehydrating her body, which only served to exaggerate and intensify the allergic reaction she was already having to the stimulant in her system. Those factors coupled with the head injury had led the Doctor to proclaim it was a miracle she was even alive.

They'd turned the ship around and headed back for Earth, hoping all the while that she would wake up. But even after transporting her to Starfleet Medical, Kathryn had made Chakotay wait a full two days before regaining consciousness. When he finally did see her blue eyes blink open and gaze tiredly up at him from the biobed, Chakotay had sunk pitifully into the chair next to the bed, overcome with relief. She'd given his hand a light squeeze, setting his mind at peace that she'd defied the odds once again.

The musical strains of the bugle died out, and the people attending the memorial service began to disperse. Chakotay squeezed her shoulders lightly. "Are you ready to go?"

Kathryn hesitated, looking around at the people leaving. "I feel like I should say something to his family."

Chakotay studied her face, frowning. The make-up she had applied this morning did little to hide the dark circles under her eyes. "Are you really feeling up to that? They know you went through an ordeal as well. I'm sure they'll understand."

She looked as though she was about to agree when the decision was taken out of their hands as Victor's mother approached them. Kathryn stepped forward from under the umbrella to greet the woman, and Chakotay let his arm drop away from her.

The older woman's hand shook slightly as she took Kathryn's hands in hers. "How are you, dear? I heard you were injured in the accident."

"I'm fine," Kathryn answered.

Chakotay reflexively stiffened at her response. The official story was that the _Cerberus_ had suffered a malfunction while on a test flight. The details released had been sparse, owing to the mission having been classified. The Monaster family was 'fleet through and through, easily accepting that Victor had been on a classified mission. There was no way to ask, but Chakotay wondered just how much of the truth they really knew. After all, they'd been around Starfleet as long as the Paris clan. Surely, they had their own inside sources of information.

Victor had died in the middle of an investigation into his conduct during war. With his death, the case had been summarily closed, and any wrongdoing on his part was quietly attributed to "fog of war". He'd been given a hero's memorial service. Starfleet maintained their picture-perfect officer, and the family maintained their honor. It was a win-win situation...almost.

Kathryn was the unsung casualty, but she had no desire to bring pain and suffering to his family by demanding the truth be told. And as for the ships that Victor destroyed in the heat of battle…that may or may not have been transporting refugees...well, there was no one around to vouch for their innocence or question whether they deserved justice. They had simply become casualties of the war.

The old woman finished speaking to Kathryn and patted her face before turning and walking away. Kathryn's shoulders slumped, and Chakotay stepped forward to stand at her side. The light mist had left her hair glistening with water droplets, and he resisted the urge to wipe them away. When she didn't speak, he asked, "Are you okay?"

"She thanked me," she answered quietly. "She said that Victor never really came home after the war. At least not the Victor she had known and raised. She said it was only after he started dating me that she finally started to see the real him again. She thanked me for bringing him home." Kathryn shook her head. "They had no idea how troubled he really was."

Chakotay exhaled and said quietly, "That doesn't excuse what he did, Kathryn."

"I know." She nodded and looked up at him. "I know, and I agree, but..."

He waited to see if she would finish her thought. "But what?"

"Did you know his entire bridge crew was dead before the end of the war?" Chakotay shook his head, but Kathryn hadn't really been waiting for an answer. "All the people I saw on that video were dead within weeks. The helmsman and the chief engineer in the very next battle." She swallowed thickly. "I can't imagine if I had lost my...I could've been just like him."

"No, Kathryn, you wouldn't have been like him," he stated firmly.

Kathryn scoffed, "You can't be sure-"

"You lost Stadi. You lost Cavit. You didn't turn to drinking and drugging yourself to try and forget."

"I didn't have time," she snorted and held up her hand to put off his immediate protest. "It's just...I _thought_ I knew him," she ground out, clearly frustrated. "Now, I wonder if I ever knew the real Victor at all."

"You knew him. You knew him and understood him better than his family ever could. That was the one thing I never questioned about your relationship with him." She looked up quizzically at his admission, and Chakotay continued, "I could see the two of you had a connection and understood each other on a level not many people could understand. You'd both stood in an unenviable position and had to make life and death decisions for all those around you."

"You've had to make those decisions before too, Chakotay," she argued. "Does that mean you're a different person?"

"Yes," he replied simply. "And so are you. You aren't the same Kathryn I first met all those years ago, but it doesn't mean that I don't know you. It doesn't make you any less real to me. It doesn't make me love you any less."

She hooked her arm around his and leaned into him as they started to walk away from the marker. "So if the two of us are such different people than when we first met, does that mean I should introduce myself properly?"

Chakotay smiled. He knew she was purposefully changing the subject. He also knew they would talk again about Victor Monaster, but for today, Kathryn seemed ready to move on. He stopped on the path and stuck out his hand. "I'm Chakotay."

"Kathryn Janeway," she smirked, shaking his hand. "Do you have a last name or is it just Chakotay?"

"Chakotay, son of Kolopak usually gets shortened to just Chakotay," he explained, letting his dimples show.

"Chakotay it is, then." She nodded and they started walking again. "That just means our kids get to have the last name of Janeway."

"I just met you, and you're already planning our children?"

"Well, when I'm sure about something, I don't like to hesitate." She winked at him.

He smiled openly. "Since you already have our children planned, you must be feeling pretty confident about our relationship."

"I am," she replied. "The most sure I've been in a long while."

Chakotay heard the hint of sadness that crept into her voice at the admission. This time, he'd make sure she went and spoke to a counselor. More than once. But for now, he'd been enjoying hearing about their hypothetical children. He squeezed her arm with his. "Does this mean we have to tell our children that we met in a cemetery?"

"No, of course not." Kathryn gave him the half smile he would never tire of seeing. "We'll tell them a fantastic story about two star crossed lovers that started out as enemies but then became something more."

Chakotay kissed the top of her head. "Think they'll believe us?"

"Not in a million years."

* * *

_Thank you everyone for reading! The feedback I've received has been wonderful and very much appreciated. _

_Thank you QS for not only giving me the idea but for betaing your own present!  
_


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